Sweet Seventeen–#3 the follow up (well, I do live in California!)

Waiting and hoping is a hard thing to do when you’ve already been waiting and hoping for almost as long as you can bear it.”
― Jenny Nimmo, Charlie Bone and the Time Twister

I may not be as patient a person as I think I am.  I mean, I really try to be a patient person but when I really want something, it’s very difficult for me to wait for it. Waiting for Mr. Seventeen to contact me back was excruciating..Wed, Thurs, Fri and no phone call..by Sunday I was just feeling terrible and I didn’t know what to do..so I called my intuitive (see above, I live in California–it’s not considered crazy here!).

So what is an intuitive?  It’s someone who reads and works with people’s energy/auras, kind of like a holistic healer–she does not consider herself a psychic and she doesn’t predict the future, per se.  Anyway, I had gone to her once before about 6 month earlier and felt much better afterward so I felt like it might help. I guess I was just grasping at straws cause I was still trying to process how an amazing night could just end like that. I made an appointment for the next Wednesday and tried to be patient.

If you read line 1, you will see I may not be a patient person.  By Monday, I had to write to him to at least see where his head was at–and I was willing to accept whatever answer I got to at least get an answer.  (I am one of those crazy people that would rather just be told the truth than live in indecision land holding on to my hopes) I wrote the most heartfelt, raw letter I ever wrote just telling him how I felt and asking him not to just walk away because there was the potential for someone getting hurt.  (note to reader: I mentioned he was a widower, well he also had a relationship since being widowed that also hurt him so he was twice bitten, I guess)  I read that letter over about 50 times and I hit send  at 5 pm (cause I didn’t want to interrupt his work day) and held my breath…until I turned blue cause it took 12 hours to get a response…(you can just imagine how much I slept that night!)

The bottom line–he was being genuine the first night, he doesn’t know why he pulled back but regardless, he is not interested in a serious relationship at this time…(guess that could have mentioned that in his profile–that states he is wanting a ‘special relationship’  or it could have come up at some point during that night but no…) Poof!   24 hours of amazing was all I could achieve with my sweet seventeen.   Sending the letter at least got me an answer, not the answer I wanted–but I was no longer holding my breath waiting to hear from him.  Almost all of my friends told me not to send it and give him time but I needed to do it and I’m so glad I did–from his letter to me,  I got the sense he had already compartmentalized me and I’m not sure I would have ever heard from him again and, as I said, the not knowing was the hardest part–I’d rather know a hard truth than hold on to false hope.

Luckily for me, that Tuesday I was hosting 14 friends for dinner and bunco so I really didn’t have time to dwell on it.   I had a lot to do and, with the help of many friends (and an awesome sangria recipe I made–take that, Vix!) I had a very fun night and a pretty decent sleep for the first time in 1 week.  By Wednesday I was just sad at the loss of potential but I headed to my intuitive (Mi for short) anyway just to see what she had to say.

Now, you can believe or not believe–it really doesn’t matter to me.  For me personally, I think there is so much out there that we just have no conception of and I do believe there are people who are more in tune with this other world–and I think there are many, many more who prey on people’s hopes and they create a bad name for the rest of them.  That being said, you can believe or not but I am open to the experience and I wanted to hear what Mi had to say.

I walked in and explained that when I had called on Sunday, I was feeling very unsettled about a recent relationship but in the interim, things had clarified and it was no longer an open issue–and she looked at me and said “Is this about the e-mail?” and I quickly said no and then I realized that yes, it certainly was (again, believe or don’t–doesn’t really matter to me)  I explained the situation of how everything was so amazing one day and the next it wasn’t and her words to me were chilling but made perfect sense–she said he went home after the date and started to feel like he was cheating on his (long-dead, mind you) wife because he was feeling something for me that he hadn’t felt in awhile and it freaked him out and he just closed the door on me.   I’ve since done some research (hey, I may not be technically proficient but I can google with the best of them) and I read that widows and widowers sometimes struggle with finding new love because they still love their dead spouse and there’s a struggle on how to move on with the living while still respecting their feelings for the  dead.

It’s hard enough to compete with an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend who is still in the picture, but what do you do with a dead soulmate wife–sadly, absolutely nothing.  This is something he will choose to work out (or not, as the case may be) and I have no part in this process.  It’s ironic, though, because I actually was not bothered/threatened by her place in his life because I thought it spoke volumes about his character and his ability to maintain a commitment to someone. In my mind, she deserves a place in his heart always–I just thought that maybe there would be some left over for me too 🙁

As a postscript to this, Mi thinks he will tire of meaningless dates and reconnect with me in the future–after I am already seeing someone else.  It’s kind of like being starving and then being shown a lobster and a steak and being told  that one day soon you can have both–just not yet…as I said, I am working very hard to be patient but it’s not easy!