Hmm, this is a tough one to write about….I think he approached me on Match and I responded. He seemed to be a nice man and we progressed from e-mail to phone call very effortlessly (you appreciate the effortless ones, since some of them are just plain painful) I have to say I was looking forward to this date due to the rapport we had from the start…there was just one thing that was ‘bothering’ me. On Match, you can indicate how often you drink–anywhere from frequently to social to none at all. He had indicated none at all. This particular question is a tough one for me–I know many people who don’t drink cause they choose not to, or for religious reasons or diet/health but obviously there is the ‘recovering alcoholic’ aspect of none at all as well and this is what I fear. Full disclosure here: this is my issue. I know it is and I own it. But I grew up with an alcoholic father and even the ‘hint’ of alcoholism scares me to death. After making plans to meet for coffee, I knew I had to get this issue out of the way early in our conversation. Ugh!
We met and he was so nice that you just don’t want to bring up something so personal so fast but sometimes you just do. I have heard so many private, personal things from my dates that sometimes I just want to interrupt them and say “Stop! You really don’t need to be telling me this now!” The whole ‘trying to get to know you’ aspect of a first conversation/first date seems to allow that kind of question to be asked (and answered) under these circumstances…”So, you’ve never been married–why is that?” “So why did you marriage break up?” “Did you ever cheat on a spouse?” “Do you own your own home?” You find yourself telling perfect strangers things you may not even tell your friends! It’s a strange dynamic!
Anyway, back to number 6–I asked about his not drinking and it was as I feared: he was a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for something like 10-15 years-I really don’t remember exactly. He was active in AA, helping others recover etc…he was doing everything RIGHT! I just couldn’t handle it…we finished our date (without me saying how much this was an issue with me) and he said he would like to see me again. I told him I would call him.
That night, I had a nightmare of being in a tsunami where I was trying to warn people it was coming and nobody would listen. I woke up with my heart racing out of my chest and I realized what I had to do. For reasons that may not be the best, I had to tell him that I couldn’t see him again. Having that vivid dream really affected me and I knew it was bringing up old childhood trauma and I just didn’t want to go there…It really is a shame, cause he really seemed like a nice guy. He took it well and asked if we could stay friends. I said that was fine with me but in the end it just didn’t work out. I was afraid to contact him, even casually, cause I didn’t want to appear to lead him on. To this day, whenever K and I talk about this man, she says ‘Awwww……..’ I think he deserved better but I wasn’t the one to give it to him…
Lessons Learned:
1. Everyone at this age in the dating pool has issues–it is up to you to decide what issues you live with and what ones you can’t.
2. Being ‘friends’ with someone you are just getting to know but don’t work out with may not be the easiest thing to do
3. Even at 50+, sometimes your past is not as far behind you as you would think