As I go through this process, there are dates I look back on and wonder how things would have turned out if circumstances were different–number nine is one of those dates….
Nine wrote to me and I answered pretty quickly (sometimes you answer right away and sometimes you have to ponder and really think about it before responding to interest–those are probably the people you should just pass on). We wrote a couple of e-mails and by the time we were at the phone call, it was completely comfortable. We followed up that phone call with some texting that was really playful and fun and by the time we got together, I thought he had potential and I was really ready to meet him.
We met at a local coffee spot–this is so common I dare you to go to a coffee shop and not see a couple who is on a first date–really, my friends and I look every time now and you can almost always find two people who look like they are meeting for the first time. Once Starbucks gets wine, I imagine this can be a good drinking game–there’s a first date–now chug! But I digress…sorry…back to number nine…
I entered this date with expectations and, physically, they were met–he looked just like his picture and had really nice arms (when you haven’t been held in a long time, you tend to notice these things.) Conversation was easy but it seemed to keep on veering back to his not-yet-ex-wife. Now I have talked about dating people who are separated before–I’ve had friends who have had really bad experiences here and won’t even look at someone who has a status of separated. I realize in today’s economy there are many people who are waiting for a better economic time to actually get divorced so many couples are staying separated longer than they probably would have under better circumstances but….when you ask someone when their divorce will be final and they have to stop and think about it….hmmmm….big red flag! My friends who have a divorce pending can probably tell you how many days it is to the minute! (and, trust me, most are counting it down daily!) The fact that this man had to really think about it (combined with the amount of time he brought up his wife in our conversation) made me wonder if he really wanted this divorce at all. I finally told him I didn’t think he was over his (not yet) ex and his reply was that he told his kids he was ready to date and they were on board with it…not exactly my criteria for being ready to date!
And then there was another, umm, potential issue….let me start by saying that if you are out dating, odds are you will be intimate with someone at some point…and the thought will be alternatively awesome and horrifying at the same time! This, my friends, is another way dating has changed since I was in my 20’s–there are a lot of STD’s you could pick up out there and you have to be smart about it. So what does this have to do with number nine? Well, I thought the date was going well (if I chose to ignore the fact that much of our conversation was about his ex-wife) and then all of a sudden it seemed to come to a dead halt…and I racked my brain to figure out when this happened and I think I have it figured out… At one point, he told me what I thought was a strange story about a ‘neighbor’ of his who slept with someone outside of his marriage just once (with his wife’s permission–told you it was strange) and contracted herpes–which he then proceeded to ‘educate’ me about…at which time I said (jokingly-ha!) ‘You’re not talking about you..ha ha ha’….well, upon reflection, I think he was. My bad!
If you have a condition like herpes, you really need to disclose that up front–and I think this was his way of doing so..which blew right over my head–duh! Needless to say, I felt terrible after I thought about it and wrote to him and told him I think I knew what he was trying to tell me and I would love to remain friends but he never answered…now maybe he was just telling me an odd herpes story on a first date–but I think he was telling me more.
This was a sad date for me, because I let my expectations get too high in the beginning, based upon our ‘chemistry’ while talking/texting–that is not a solid indicator of how a date will go–at least I know that now! We all have baggage–it would be pretty impossible to get to age 50+ without it–and until you know someone’s whole story, you won’t have any idea how compatible you are so keep those expectations in check at the start.
Lessons learned:
1. A great phone/text chemistry is great, but don’t let it set expectations too high.
2. Not all separated people are ready for a divorce
3. You really don’t need to talk about your ex over and over on a date–really, just don’t!
4. Please, no random herpes stories on a first date unless you have a reason for going there.
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