Number Eleven–Watch what you say (and even what you don’t say)

Mr Eleven was my only date so far that didn’t come from online dating–he was a friend of the guy Vix was dating at the time (who she met at a singles dance–try to keep up here!)  Eleven was already divorced for some time, but I got the impression it was ugly and there was still a lot of drama there.  (big red flashing light to me!)

The date itself was fun–cocktails/appetizers  at the house where we all met and then we went neon bowling.  I drove Mr. Eleven in my car to the bowling alley so we had a bit of a chance to talk ourselves during the ride and it was fine. Just save those snarky comments–bowling was fun and it gave us all the opportunity to hang out between turns and it turned into a friendly competition as well.  I would go bowling again on a date–so there!  Everything that happened while we were all together was fun–it just got off track when we were alone.

At the end of the date, he and I went back to my car and talked a bit more but he started talking about his ex again and the most recent fight they had gotten in.  It was obvious to me that he still had some things to work out before he was able to really start dating. The physical act of a divorce being granted doesn’t end the story–especially if kids are involved. I said very little cause he was just spewing–I admit I did lose control of the conversation and I really didn’t know how to get it back to neutral territory  (I think this gets better with experience, thankfully).  At the end, he did ask for my number–and I probably would have gone out with him as long as I didn’t let the conversation go anywhere near his ex/marriage.

The aftermath-he told my friend he was afraid to go out with me because I wanted to get serious–are you kidding me? I wasn’t even able to get a word in edgewise–not to mention that the date ended with  me knowing virtually nothing about him–but too much about his marriage!  The only thing I could have said that translated that to him was I had done the work to get past my divorce and I felt ready for a new relationship–nothing about getting serious and certainly nothing about getting serious with him–I knew nothing about who he was and what he was looking for.

This date was a big lesson for me–no matter what you say, the person you say it to may hear it in a totally different way than you intended.  I wish I could tell you how to change this, but I’m not sure I really know!  Sometimes having strong communication is just part of chemistry so if you are saying one thing and the person is hearing another–Next!!

Lesson learned:

1.  Said this before (and will probably say again)–if you see red flags–heed them!

2.  Try to limit talk about the ‘exes’ so it doesn’t drag down your experience of  being with each other.

3. Just because you are officially divorced, it doesn’t mean you are officially ready to move on–I think men have a harder time with this than woman (hey, just my experience!)

4.  Sometimes it doesn’t make a difference what you say because the other person isn’t hearing you anyway.

5. Bowling is a fun date, but they need to up the style-factor on the shoes.