Monthly Archives: October 2012

The timing of an eventual meet-up on Match can vary wildly–from days to weeks (and sometimes months).  From first contact to first meeting, you can have extensive contact with someone so by the time you meet them, you feel like you already know them cause they have shared so much–Mr. Twelve is a perfect example of that!

Mr Twelve came to me as a match and I said I was interested and he wrote me a very eloquent letter and asked me to call him that day. He was quite different than me–he came across as very sophisticated and into things I know little about like the symphony and fine wine, but I look at this like a learning process and I knew I would have a lot to learn from him.  He wanted me to meet him that day because the next day he was going into the hospital to have hip replacement surgery (please no age jokes here–he was only a couple of years older than me).  I couldn’t but agreed to call him–he was very comfortable to talk to and I wished him luck on his surgery.  I was getting ready to leave for a trip, so we said we would stay in touch and meet upon my return (and his recovery).

The next morning I get a text telling me he is heading to the hospital so I wished him good luck again.  Just a few hours later, I get a PICTURE  of him in the recovery room post surgery, hospital gown and all–telling me how well the surgery went and how good he is feeling–why he would ever send me a picture, I have no idea–was it the drugs talking??  (will try to post here (after editing, of course)  but struggle getting pictures from text messages off my phone–technology, remember?) I get daily updates from the hospital and then, another picture (yes, still in the hospital gown)–this time standing to show me how well he is healing.

Meanwhile, I am on my trip and still getting updates and yes, I still have not physically laid eyes on him.  I speak to him again when I return and we make plans to meet at his house since he still can’t drive (I know, I know–but I was pretty certain I could outrun a man with a new hip should the need arise)  I had also searched him on the internet (come on–you do it too) so I knew he was who he said he was.  The day before we meet, I get 2 poems forwarded to me–love poems, mind you. So by the time I meet him, I have had 2 pictures, 3-4 emails, about 7-8 days of texts and love poetry.  How could we not be a match with all this buildup?

The meeting itself was fairly anti-climactic–he was pleasant and interesting but no overwhelming chemistry–on either of our parts.  I think my viability as a future date ended when he asked me (in a general way) if I would consider a sexual relationship without exclusivity and I said no.  As before, I would have probably gone out with him again just to see if anything could happen but his prolific contact basically ended with this visit.  I guess my advice to him would be to save the foreplay for someone you actually want to be with because it was a little overwhelming/confusing to me.  And please, no more hospital gown picture texts.

Lessons learned:

1.  Too much contact before a date may be overwhelming/confusing.  Slow it down or speed up the time before you meet.

2.  Never text a hospital gown picture to someone you haven’t even met.  Come to think of it, even those you know may not want one.

Mr Eleven was my only date so far that didn’t come from online dating–he was a friend of the guy Vix was dating at the time (who she met at a singles dance–try to keep up here!)  Eleven was already divorced for some time, but I got the impression it was ugly and there was still a lot of drama there.  (big red flashing light to me!)

The date itself was fun–cocktails/appetizers  at the house where we all met and then we went neon bowling.  I drove Mr. Eleven in my car to the bowling alley so we had a bit of a chance to talk ourselves during the ride and it was fine. Just save those snarky comments–bowling was fun and it gave us all the opportunity to hang out between turns and it turned into a friendly competition as well.  I would go bowling again on a date–so there!  Everything that happened while we were all together was fun–it just got off track when we were alone.

At the end of the date, he and I went back to my car and talked a bit more but he started talking about his ex again and the most recent fight they had gotten in.  It was obvious to me that he still had some things to work out before he was able to really start dating. The physical act of a divorce being granted doesn’t end the story–especially if kids are involved. I said very little cause he was just spewing–I admit I did lose control of the conversation and I really didn’t know how to get it back to neutral territory  (I think this gets better with experience, thankfully).  At the end, he did ask for my number–and I probably would have gone out with him as long as I didn’t let the conversation go anywhere near his ex/marriage.

The aftermath-he told my friend he was afraid to go out with me because I wanted to get serious–are you kidding me? I wasn’t even able to get a word in edgewise–not to mention that the date ended with  me knowing virtually nothing about him–but too much about his marriage!  The only thing I could have said that translated that to him was I had done the work to get past my divorce and I felt ready for a new relationship–nothing about getting serious and certainly nothing about getting serious with him–I knew nothing about who he was and what he was looking for.

This date was a big lesson for me–no matter what you say, the person you say it to may hear it in a totally different way than you intended.  I wish I could tell you how to change this, but I’m not sure I really know!  Sometimes having strong communication is just part of chemistry so if you are saying one thing and the person is hearing another–Next!!

Lesson learned:

1.  Said this before (and will probably say again)–if you see red flags–heed them!

2.  Try to limit talk about the ‘exes’ so it doesn’t drag down your experience of  being with each other.

3. Just because you are officially divorced, it doesn’t mean you are officially ready to move on–I think men have a harder time with this than woman (hey, just my experience!)

4.  Sometimes it doesn’t make a difference what you say because the other person isn’t hearing you anyway.

5. Bowling is a fun date, but they need to up the style-factor on the shoes.

It is ironic that the last date I wrote about was 7 years younger than me and I didn’t feel old and I follow up with someone who is two years older than me and  now I feel old!  I came across number ten as part of my daily matches–people who Match sends directly to you for you review.  As part of this process, you can indicate interest–which, in turn, gets sent to that person to decide if they want to contact you or not.  I expressed interest in number ten and he answered right away, which was ironic because I was not at match in either his preferred location or age parameters…and I was too new in the process to realize this should have precluded me from the start!

We wrote a couple of e-mails and after an initial phone call, decided to meet for drinks at a nice restaurant/bar about mid way between our locations (he lived about 45 min away from me).  Out of all the men I have dated so far, I would probably consider him the only ‘player’–and he liked his women young!    In case you hadn’t noticed, no matter how well ‘preserved’ you are, there is a pretty big difference between a woman in her 30’s and one in her 50’s!  He started out our date by asking me to wear something ‘sexy’—to give an ‘old man’ (his words, not mine) a thrill…ugh!   Talk about first date pressure!

The date itself was fairly comfortable–although I’m not sure my version of ‘sexy’ was enough to thrill an old man/young man/any man…I’ve determined I’m more comfortable being ‘brain candy’ than ‘eye candy’ and I’ve made my peace with it!  He told me about his brief marriage (about 1 year) to a woman 20 years younger than he was–and I realized I could have actually given birth to that woman!  (damn my ability to do simple math in my head!) Not the kind of thoughts you want to have on a date!  As we sat there, though, I started to think I may well be the oldest woman this man had ever gone out with  and that was a sobering thought!  Note: he denied this, but I’m not sure I believe him!

So what did I learn from this..besides realizing that a VS bra and non-granny panties are not  enough to constitute sexy?  Well, hard as it may be to hear–people want what they want and there really is nothing wrong with that….while I think the idea of a 50-year old going out with a 30-year old is ridiculous, if it works for them–who am I to judge?  Guys who only want blonds or asian girls or women over 5’8″?  Same thing….if you see a preference on a profile, you probably want to listen to it..even if you think you are a better match!

Lessons learned:

1.  Pay attention to the desired parameters–if someone takes the time to list specific parameters, differing from them can be a deal-breaker–no matter what you think about it.

2.  Expand your idea of sexy and own it–when you meet the one you actually want to be sexy for, you will be ready!

As I go through this process, there are dates I look back on and wonder how things would have turned out if circumstances were different–number nine is one of those dates….

Nine wrote to me and I answered pretty quickly (sometimes you answer right away and sometimes you have to ponder and really think about it before responding to interest–those are probably the people you should just pass on).  We wrote a couple of e-mails and by the time we were at the phone call, it was completely comfortable.  We followed up that phone call with some texting that was really playful and fun and by the time we got together, I thought he had potential and I was really ready to meet him.

We met at a local coffee spot–this is so common I dare you to go to a coffee shop and not see a couple who is on a first date–really, my friends and I look every time now and you can almost always find two people who look like they are meeting for the first time.  Once Starbucks gets wine, I imagine this can be a good drinking game–there’s a first date–now chug!  But I digress…sorry…back to number nine…

I entered this date with expectations and, physically, they were met–he looked just like his picture and had really nice arms (when you haven’t been held in a long time, you tend to notice these things.)  Conversation was easy but it seemed to keep on veering back to his not-yet-ex-wife.  Now I have talked about dating people who are separated before–I’ve had friends who have had really bad experiences here and won’t even look at someone who has a status of separated.  I realize in today’s economy there are many people who are waiting for a better economic time to actually get divorced so many couples are staying separated longer than they probably would have under better circumstances but….when you ask someone when their divorce will be final and they have to stop and think about it….hmmmm….big red flag!   My friends who have a divorce pending can probably tell you how many days it is to the minute! (and, trust me, most are counting it down daily!)  The fact that this man had to really think about it (combined with the amount of time he brought up his wife in our conversation) made me wonder if he really wanted this divorce at all.  I finally told him I didn’t think he was over his (not yet) ex and his reply was that he told his kids he was ready to date and they were on board with it…not exactly my criteria for being ready to date!

And then there was another, umm, potential issue….let me start by saying that if you are out dating, odds are you will be intimate with someone at some point…and the thought will be alternatively awesome and horrifying at the same time!  This, my friends, is another way dating has changed since I was in my 20’s–there are a lot of STD’s you could pick up out there and you have to be smart about it.  So what does this have to do with number nine?  Well, I thought the date was going well (if I chose to ignore the fact that much of our conversation was about his ex-wife) and then all of a sudden it seemed to come to a dead halt…and I racked my brain to figure out when this happened and I think I have it figured out… At one point, he told me what I thought was a strange story about a ‘neighbor’ of his who slept with someone outside of his marriage just once (with his wife’s permission–told you it was strange) and contracted herpes–which he then proceeded to ‘educate’ me about…at which time I said (jokingly-ha!) ‘You’re not talking about you..ha ha ha’….well, upon reflection, I think he was.  My bad!

If you have a condition like herpes, you really need to disclose that up front–and I think this was his way of doing so..which blew right over my head–duh!  Needless to say, I felt terrible after I thought about it and wrote to him and told him I think I knew what he was trying to tell me and I would love to remain friends but he never answered…now maybe he was just telling me an odd herpes story on a first date–but I think he was telling me more.

This was a sad date for me, because I let my expectations get too high in the beginning, based upon our ‘chemistry’ while talking/texting–that is not a solid indicator of how a date will go–at least I know that now!  We all have baggage–it would be pretty impossible to get to age 50+ without it–and until you know someone’s whole story, you won’t have any idea how compatible you are so keep those expectations in check at the start.

Lessons learned:

1.  A great phone/text chemistry is great, but don’t let it set expectations too high.

2.  Not all separated people are ready for a divorce

3. You really don’t need to talk about your ex over and over on a date–really, just don’t!

4. Please, no random herpes stories on a first date unless you have a reason for going there.

Another way you can get someone’s attention on Match is to ‘favorite’ them–by doing so, you move their profile into a special section on your  home page and it avoids seeing someone you might like and then losing track of them.  When you favorite someone, Match lets them know so you can keep track of not only people you may like, but people who seem to like you.  Number eight had set me as a favorite, but I wasn’t really feeling it and I didn’t really consider him a viable date. K, however, thought he was cute and sincere and convinced me to contact him so I did.

Our initial interaction was by e-mail and it was fine–we made plans to meet at a coffee house on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.  As I sat waiting for him in this crowded coffee house (he was about 15 minutes late and called to let me know–but dialed the wrong number so I never got the message) I was wondering if I would even recognize him if he didn’t look like his picture!  There was a man sitting outside that looked considerably older than I expected this man to look like, but I debated in my head (especially as more time passed) whether I should approach him or not–luckily, I spared myself the embarrassment and did not have to approach him as number 8 finally showed! (and he looked enough like his picture to be recognized easily–whew!)

Our date went fairly well–no sparks (at least on my end), but very comfortable conversation–for the most part. He said he had concentrated on raising his child (who was now an older teen) and he not dated much.  When we spoke about his ex, however, I started to hear the warning bells..ugh!  Although he was married a very short time and had been divorced for something like 14 years, he was still actively fighting his ex over his child–and told me, quite proudly, that they had been to court nearly 40 times to battle this out–it was obvious to me that the word compromise was not in either of their vocabularies!  He seemed almost proud of the fact that his ex ‘hated’ him and was still trying to make his life miserable (even though she had been remarried for many years already).  I just don’t understand couples that can’t just let go and move on–it just doesn’t seem healthy to carry that kind of negative emotion for so long.  I see this often in Match and it makes me really sad for them–I truly don’t believe you are in a position to move on if you are still fighting battles from your past.

As we said goodbye, I held out my hand to shake his and and he actually asked if he could give me a hug–that’s a good sign, right?  As always, I went home and wrote an e-mail thanking him for the date and I waited for a reply..and waited..and waited! Three days after our date, I wrote him a short e-mail and said if he had a good time, it would have been nice to have heard from him (or at least respond to my e-mail) so I knew it…well, I guess he is not someone who takes suggestions easily because the next day I got a terse e-mail telling me that he would not be pursuing a second date at this time…really?  When we met, he was telling me how new this dating experience was to him and how he felt like he didn’t know what to do..well I guess I should have just let him make his own mistakes and not try to help…I really don’t want to say what his profession is but suffice it to say that his job usually tells people what to do and I guess he wasn’t happy being on the other side of the equation for a change–oh well!

Lessons learned:

1.  Again, if you really think you are not interested in someone–just pass.  It saves your time and theirs too.

2.  Don’t ever correct someone who corrects others for a living–they may not be able to handle it.

3.  Someone divorced for 14 years who is still fighting with the ex–let’s just say that can’t be good…

I’ve had good dates…I’ve had bad dates..but, honestly, number seven  will always stand out in my mind as one of the craziest ever…let me explain…  I saw his profile, wrote to him and he answered right away.  We followed up the e-mail with a phone call and it went ok except for this…According to his profile, he was 54 years old and the day we spoke he told me it was his birthday so I asked him if he was turning 55..no…56? no 57??? I’ll tell you later is what I got back–ok, I know people lie about their ages ALL THE TIME on match but really, can you be honest when you are asked a direct question?  I’ve heard of people who have taken more than 10 years off of their age–do you think your date isn’t going to notice??  At what point do you ‘fess up’?  Is starting a potential relationship off on a dishonest basis really the way you want to go?  Frankly, if this was the worst thing about number 7, I might have been able to handle  it but, no, it was just the start!

We made plans to meet at a sushi restaurant–red flag! Apparently, you should never do a first meeting at a restaurant because it has the potential to be very uncomfortable if it doesn’t go well….K was very adement about this but I held my ground and said it would be fine–I thought we had enough in common that it would be an interesting evening, even if it wasn’t a match.  The biggest problem in my eyes (other than wondering just how old this guy was) was being in a SUSHI restaurant–for the first time in my life! What the hell was I going to order?  How do you even eat it?  My nerves were starting to get the best of me, but, again, we seemed to have a lot in common and I figured I would just fake my way through…

We meet at the restaurant at the agreed-upon time–and there is a line to get in. Rather than wait, he asks me to follow him down the street to another sushi restaurant he knows about (again, people, this is California…) so I do.  There is no parking there, so he motions for me to park in the back of the restaurant itself (this will matter later, trust me!)   Before we go in, I hand him a small cupcake in a  nice box that I had picked up for him since I knew he just had a birthday. He proceeds to give it back to me because he doesn’t eat cake…ok…could he have just kept it and tossed it? It was awkward to take it back, but I did.

It seems like a low key place–we sit, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the waitress hands me THREE different menus! As if I wasn’t uncomfortable enough just being in a sushi restaurant for the first time, now I have to read through the equivalent of an encyclopedia volume to figure out what the hell I can order…this date has just begun and I am already starting to sweat…

He sits back down, and while in shape, he is obviously much older than he stated. As we begin to talk, he starts rocking forward and back in his chair–so much so that I become acutely aware of how still I am cause he is bouncing like a ping pong ball and I am completely distracted by this.  We order and I  go with a crunchy shrimp roll–not exactly sushi, but I figure I can get that down.  Eventually, he calms down a bit as we start talking…about sex…um, check please?  Have I had sex since my divorce? Do I like sex? How sexually open am I? OMG, all I’m thinking in my head is K saying “I told you you shouldn’t go to dinner with him” and madly figuring how to make it through the end of the meal!  Thankfully, I manage to change the subject and things are calm for a bit..until he starts talking about sex again! Now he’s telling me that his 16-year-old son has sex with his 16-year-old girlfriend and he thinks it’s a beautiful thing…now my daughter was 15 years old at the time, and the thought of her having sex at that age would not be beautiful to me and I told him so–and he said I sounded just like his ex! lol..obviously the brains in that family!  At that point, I said aside from the issues of emotional maturity at that age, there was also the risk of unintended pregnancy to think about…his response? Oh, she’ll just get an abortion!  Now this is not a value judgement on abortion rights, but the cavalier tone that he used was unbelievable to me–I probably should have cut my losses and left at this point but I didn’t….

We finished up in silence–trust me, I was counting the minutes until I got out of there!  Just before he paid the check (yes, I let him pay because he owed me for 2 hours of my life that I would never get back!) he asks me if I want to go see a movie? Really? I’d rather jump from the third floor at this point but he is obviously clueless! I politely decline and we walk to the back of the (now dark) building to get our cars.

We say goodnight with just a hug (believe me, my force field was on and he wasn’t going to get through it!) and I go to get in my car and I see something on my windshield–I step out of the car and realize it is a piece of mushy banana–as I flick it off, I see another piece–eww!  I am now standing in front of my car flicking fruit off my windshield..strawberries, bananas, and orange slices..and he opens the window and asks what is wrong and I tell him I obviously have a fruit salad on my windshield to which he replies, oh, ok, goodnight and drives off, leaving me alone in a dark parking lot flicking fruit off my windshield–as I’m trying to figure out how my life at come to this!  Driving home I leave the following message for Vix on her answering machine:  I would rather spend the rest of my life alone if I ever have to go through another date like that (now, there may have been some curses in there as well…;)  What a date!

Lessons Learned (this could actually go on forever):

1.  Don’t lie about your age–you are what you are! Own it!

2.  You might not want to go to a restaurant on a first date–K still believes this fully.

3.  Please no sex talk at the dinner table–and especially not teenager sex talk! Ugh!

4.  If someone give you a gift, accept it with kindness–don’t hand it back

5.  It might not be so bad to cut a date short if you are really uncomfortable–and I was!

6.  Don’t order the fruit salad to go

Hmm, this is a tough one to write about….I think he approached me on Match and I responded.  He seemed to be a nice man and we progressed from e-mail to phone call very effortlessly (you appreciate the effortless ones, since some of them are just plain painful)  I have to say I was looking forward to this date due to the rapport we had from the start…there was just one thing that was ‘bothering’ me.  On Match, you can indicate how often you drink–anywhere from frequently to social to none at all.  He had indicated none at all.  This particular question is a tough one for me–I know many people who don’t drink cause they choose not to, or for religious reasons or diet/health but obviously there is the ‘recovering alcoholic’ aspect of none at all as well and this is what I fear.  Full disclosure here: this is my issue. I know it is and I own it. But I grew up with an alcoholic father and even the ‘hint’ of alcoholism scares me to death.  After making plans to meet for coffee, I knew I had to get this issue out of the way early in our conversation. Ugh!

We met and he was so nice that you just don’t want to bring up something so personal so fast but sometimes you just do.  I have heard so many private, personal things from my dates that sometimes I just want to interrupt them and say “Stop!  You really don’t need to be telling me this now!”  The whole ‘trying to get to know you’ aspect of a first conversation/first date seems to allow that kind of question to be asked (and answered) under these circumstances…”So, you’ve never been married–why is that?”  “So why did you marriage break up?”  “Did you ever cheat on a spouse?”  “Do you own your own home?”   You find yourself telling perfect strangers things you may not even tell your friends!  It’s a strange dynamic!

Anyway, back to number 6–I asked about his not drinking and it was as I feared:  he was a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for something like 10-15 years-I really don’t remember exactly.  He was active in AA, helping others recover etc…he was doing everything RIGHT!  I just couldn’t handle it…we finished our date (without me saying how much this was an issue with me) and he said he would like to see me again.  I told him I would call him.

That night, I had a nightmare of being in a tsunami where I was trying to warn people it was coming and nobody would listen.  I woke up with my heart racing out of my chest and I realized what I had to do.   For reasons that may not be the best, I had to tell him that I couldn’t see him again.  Having that vivid dream really affected me and I knew it was bringing up old childhood trauma and I just didn’t want to go there…It really is a shame, cause he really seemed like a nice guy.  He took it well and asked if we could stay friends.  I said that was fine with me but in the end it just didn’t work out.  I was afraid to contact him, even casually, cause I didn’t want to appear to lead him on.    To this day, whenever K and I talk about this man, she says ‘Awwww……..’  I think he deserved better but I wasn’t the one to give it to him…

Lessons Learned:

1.  Everyone at this age in the dating pool has issues–it is up to you to decide what issues you live with and what ones you can’t.

2.  Being ‘friends’ with someone you are just getting to know but don’t work out with may not be the easiest thing to do

3.  Even at 50+, sometimes your past is not as far behind you as you would think

Ahh, Number 5–here we go! The first of the bunch that I actually felt a connection with–my reason to keep doing this at the time! Ok, in case I come across like I think I am never wrong in my actions, here is one for you that proves otherwise…my number 5.  I actually contacted him a while before when I saw his profile, liked it and thought he was a cutie. He never responded.  Very common occurrence–I really don’t know what the ‘real’ statistics are, but just using my friends and I as examples–I would say maybe 50-60%  of the people you write to never even respond.  Are they still active?  Did they even see the letter? Who knows?  All I know is that I write and I hear nothing pretty regularly.  At one point, K and I decided that we would not be like that and we would respond to every request, even if was just to say we are not interested. We call it ‘clearing our karma’ but it really is just good manners (in an environment where manners are rare).  I’m shocked at the number of guys who write back just to say thank you to me for responding to their e-mails,even if I’m just turning them down.

Anyway, I never got a response and moved on to others but I would see his profile from time to time and one day I decided I would try again to see if things had changed. And, big surprise,  he answered!  We started e-mailing and he was as funny as he was cute!  Finally, I gave him my number (the first one I had done this with) and he told me he would call…and I waited…and waited..and waited….after about four days…and a girl’s bunco night where we took turns trying to figure out why he didn’t call–I sent him the following e-mail:

I was just sitting down trying to figure out why you don’t call when you say you will–please read the following multiple choice answers and let me know which answer best describes your reason…ready? (hint: how you do on this quiz goes a long way in telling how compatible we may or may not be..)

A.  I don’t even remember who you are…This goes back to your potential hockey-induced temporary amnesia (NOTE: something we had joked about earlier)–this means I have not made any impression at all so far.  Don’t like this answer

B.  There was a horrible accident…Yes, a well-meaning friend actually gave this to me as a reason for you not calling..I don’t like this answer either as I wish you no harm regardless of how you do on this quiz…so if this is the case, once you emerge from your coma (fully intact), you will fall in love with your nurse and live happily ever after…I don’t like this one, but at least I gave you a happy ending…

C. You lost your dominant hand in a construction accident and you can’t dial…Not as bad as it sounds…we can work through this one–you learn to type out messages with a pencil between your teeth, but after sending a few widely inappropriate messages (due to auto-correct), we look at alternative limbs for you (monkey paw, anyone?)   In the meantime, you enter many Halloween contests as Captain Hook and do very well…I don’t love this answer, but at least it has comic potential.

D.  You are not interested anymore…This answer is worse than any of the above (well, maybe not to you) so let’s just consider it a wrong answer….

E.  You are too busy,…..Ooh, this is a tough one as I don’t have a good response to this–sigh!

F.  I got you to at least smile during this short quiz and now you don’t even know why it has taken you so long to call…Big hint! This is the right answer–pick F!

G.  Not only are you not calling, but perhaps you are blocking me from Match altogether…Don’t like this answer either, but understand if you think this is the strangest e-mail you have ever received and just want to walk away…just please let me know (I am a big girl and can take it–I would always rather hear the truth) and I promise to go away quietly….

And your answer is….???? (last hint–pick F)  In case you were wondering why I would write something so, um, well, creative (can we go with that?) this is me and my sense of humor, for better or worse, and I figured I needed to go with the big play right now–so did the goalie get a winning goal (in the other net, not their own–that’s too easy) or was it a shutout? (NOTE: he was a hockey player)

and you should know (for your own ego purposes since I already put you in a coma and cut off your hand–thought I owed you this) that this is by far the most effort I have ever put into meeting anyone on match…..

Crazy, I know,  but it seemed like a good idea at the time…but he wrote and answered F and promised to call and finally did….we had a great conversation and planned to meet at a coffee shop nearby my home.   When I met him, he was as cute in person as he was in his picture and I was kinda impacted…I got butterflies and was having a little trouble concentrating..but think I held it together well enough..for a time.  After we were finished talking (it was comfortable and playful), he offered to walk me back to my car…but I couldn’t remember where I parked it! I was mortified! We walked up and down 3 rows before I finally found it and I was so embarrassed by that point!   I’m still mortified just thinking about it!  He then told me he’d like to see me again and he would call–can you guess what happened?  We did write back and forth a bit afterward, but no phone call….this was my first (of many to come) real disappointments on Match–I physically felt an attraction to this man, but I can’t say if he felt one for me–seemed like he did, but nothing was forthcoming so maybe not.

This one was also a big lesson for me–when I am sitting home waiting for someone to write and that someone is a single dad, with a job and other responsibilities–he is not thinking about me the way I am about him cause he doesn’t really have the time to do so…this is a hard lesson to manage, but an important one to learn.  Your priorities are not necessarily their priorities–the sooner you realize it, the better off you will be online dating…sigh!  I did like this one!

Lessons learned:

1.  If someone ignores you once, wait a bit and try again–it may just be a matter of timing!

2.  Don’t be afraid to let your personality come through–stay authentic and you will have nothing to lose!

3.  Your priorities are not their priorities–sometimes timing may not be what you want but you really have no choice

4.  Remember where you park your car–ugh!

Number Four….even 2.5  years later, I remember this date….He contacted me and we wrote back and fourth a few times and then the dreaded phone call…  One thing I can say (as I write this with a couple of years of dating experience under my belt) is that you do learn from this process as it goes along.  Things you struggled with in the beginning become easier.  One thing I was not good at in the beginning (like when this first happened) was telling peopleI was not interested in going out with them if the phone call was awkward.  This lead me to date number four, even though I was fairly dreading it after an awkward and uncomfortable phone call.  He answered my questions with one word answers and no enthusiasm and going into the date, I had very low expectations.  In reality, I should have just passed on this guy but as I said, I was trying to be nice and thought I needed to go through with it since we had spoken.

Since he did live some distance from me, we decided to meet about halfway at a casual restaurant for coffee.  I didn’t pick this–he did. If you are just going for coffee, you probably shouldn’t go to a restaurant where they expect you to eat food with your beverage.  After we sit, we are given menus but order nothing but drinks and get a bit of a look from the waitress.   That was bad enough, but she came back at least 3 times to see if we wanted to eat (and once  he actually asked for a bread basket only to be told they only do that at dinner).  I was sinking into the seat with embarrassment! When he slipped into the bathroom, I start texting K “help me….” and counted the minutes till I felt I could take a leave.

The best was yet to come! Apparently, this man had given his wife a lie-detector test (machine and test administrator and all) at one point to determine if she was cheating on him.  And the best of all–it was taped and he watches it (and actually told me he would show it to me–you can’t even make these things up!)  While he seemed like a nice enough man, his slow way of speaking, very quiet demeanor and unusual video library precluded any future dates for me.  As I was leaving, he asked if I would like to see him again–chicken that I am, I asked him to call me–to which he replied he didn’t have my number (I hide it when I call people).  Faced with the prospect of giving him my number when I knew I didn’t want to see him again, I just said he could e-mail me through Match (awkward!)

I hurried home and before he could contact me, sent him an e-mail (that to this day, K and I refer to as the xxx (his name) letter, the nicest possible ‘thanks, but no thanks’ e-mail I could come up with. (and K even used the same e-mail format for second dates she was trying to politely decline!)  I try to send these out asap after a date I don’t wish to repeat–no sense in letting someone you have know interest in hang around!

POSTSCRIPT 6/14:  In the truth is stranger than fiction arena of my life: The exact night I sat down to write this piece, I received an e-mail on the current dating site I am on from this man…who obviously has no idea who I am or that we had already gone out!  I do have to give him props, though–the e-mail he sent me was one of the best e-mails I have ever received (having already had contact with this man, I seriously question whether he really wrote it or if it was a ‘form’ e-mail that you personalize for your intended recipient) but regardless, it was a very nice e-mail and it shows that he has probably  learned a bit from his time dating and that’s a good thing.  To show that I have learned over time as well, I politely declined…

Lessons learned:

1.  If the phone call doesn’t go well, you really don’t have to go through with a date

2.  Don’t go to a restaurant if all you want it coffee–there are enough coffee shops for that purpose

3. For God’s sake, don’t offer to let your date view a video of your ex-wife–for any reason!

4.  Take your dating experiences and learn from them! Evolving is good!

Number Three contacted me in the flurry of activity that started 2011 for me on a busy dating foot!  He had a very ‘flowery’ profile: talking about all the exotic adventures he had been on and remarking that he was still ready for more.  We wrote a bit, talked on the phone and set up a date at a (wait for it!) coffee shop one evening after work.  He had a very unusual job history–including a stint as a professional gambler–not someone you come across every day.

I was telling my friend J about this date I was about to go on and how unusual his background was when she said “Is his name xxxx?”  And it was.  My date was her daughter’s best friend’s dad.  How weird is that?  J knew his wife and all his history, some that I’m sure he may have left out when telling me his background!  Now I was faced with a dilemma–do I still go out with him? Do I tell him I know J? I really didn’t know what to do and the date was approaching fast!

I finally decided (after talking to a few friends) to go on the date and not say anything.   So I went and it was pretty uneventful.  Nice man, zero chemistry, no second date–I had decided, if there was a second date, to tell him about J at that point.  With no second date, the point was moot–but it really drove home what a small dating universe there really is.  I have to say, whenever I meet a divorced woman these days, I wonder if I have ever dated her husband!  There really are not that many men to go around and you are bound to come across guys who are somehow connected to your friends (you know, six degrees of separation).  So beware, cause the same thing could be happening to you!

Lessons learned:

1. Everyone who is divorced is someone’s ex..That could get awkward.

About 3 months after my first date, I was feeling strong/crazy/bored enough to try again–so I signed back up for Match and I was full-throttle back in the game of looking at people, having them look at me, sending e-mails (never answered), receiving e-mails (most not wanting to answer–but I always try to) and generally getting sucked back into the vortex..but this time I was ready (or at least, readier!)

I ended up with a close-together string of dates in early Jan–for some reason (and this happened for K as well), my match dates seem to come in bunches–I have between 2-5 pretty close together and then none for some time.  This date started a string of four with number 2 up first.  Number 2 was a very nice man.  He was very new to this process, so I was the one to help him figure his way through it (imagine that!)  I think I contacted him, we wrote a bit and arranged to meet for a coffee date (a place I would also visit again with at least 1 other date).  It was pleasant, it was nice,  it just wasn’t anything special.    We  both left the coffee wondering where to go from here–do we go out again and see if something happens?  Do we let it go?  He actually texted me and asked if I thought we should go out again–was I feeling anything?

It really was a crapshoot–He seemed like a nice, normal, stable man but there were no sparks at all and I really didn’t see them coming.  The deciding factor for me was his love for golf and my relative disinterest toward it.  He loved golf–playing golf, watching golf, taking golf vacations–it really was a passion in his life that I just did not share.  Personally, I’d rather watch grass grow than watch golf on tv.  It’s just too slow paced to catch my interest.  I told him while he seemed like a very nice man, I felt he needed to find a lady who shared his passion for golf to have a successful match and we each moved on.  If I had a single friend who was into golf, I would have passed him along in a heartbeat.  He was a good one, he just wasn’t my good one…

Lessons learned:

1.  Pay attention to their passions (and there is a difference between passion and interest) and if you don’t share it, it may not work out.

2.  Sometimes it pains you to pass on someone who you think could be a really good guy–he just may not be right for you.

Wow!  As I write this, date number one was a long time ago…nearly 3 years ago! But since every good story needs a starting place, mine starts here.  I had been on Match for about 6 months at this point–first having joined when I was divorced about 6 months..  I know the amount of time before you jump into dating will vary from person to person, but I now realize it was just too fast to me.  After a 26 year marriage, I still felt ‘married’.  When the first person wrote to me on Match, I froze–I didn’t even know what to do! I spent almost the first 5 months of my initial 6 month subscription just spinning my wheels in place–it took me all the way until the last month before I felt I could actually face the prospect of going out with someone for the first time in about 28 years…enter date number one!

Date number one contacted me first (I think)–although on Match it is perfectly acceptable for the women to initiate contact (and in actuality, I think it happens this way more often than not).  We went back and forth with a few e-mails and then a phone call–that first phone call was (and still is to this day) so nerve-wracking for me.  In my head, if I can get through the phone call, I can get through the date, but essentially ‘cold-calling’ a strange man is just weird to me and it’s been my personal struggle.  Nonetheless, I did call him, it seemed to go well and we arranged to meet at a local coffee shop (where I would eventually meet multiple other men as well–they must know me there! Lovely!)

I was so nervous for this date. 28 years is a long time–I hadn’t been on a date since I was 23 years old! My bff in Boston actually had me skype her wearing the outfit I was going to wear so she could check it out first.  Approaching the coffee place, my heart was beating so loud I figured he could hear it! The date itself was fine–I honestly can’t remember anything really unusual about it.  He seemed like a nice enough man.  He did tell some story where he kept on calling the woman in it ‘fat’ and that was a little awkward, but pretty uneventful overall (as I would find out after a few more dates!)  We get to the end , he walks me to my car, shakes my hand and asks me if he could contact me to go to the movies or something.  I said sure and drive off….without telling him that my Match subscription was ending just a couple of days later and without that he had no way to contact me (I usually hide my number when I call men–you can never be too careful on a first contact, especially).  Did he try to reach me and I was already offsite?  I’ll probably never know, but it wasn’t the way to handle it but you really do learn as you go along.  I owe this one an apology.

One final footnote: A few weeks after this date, I discovered that my ex had remarried just a few days after I had my first date–obviously, ‘recovery’ comes faster to some than others…cough cough

Lessons learned:

1.  Don’t rush the process.  If you are not ready, don’t push it.  It’s really ok

2.  Don’t just disappear–I did it and it’s not cool.  You owe a date better than that

3.  If you can go out on a first date before your ex remarries–point for you!

I guess I have thought about doing a blog for some time but found countless ways to talk myself out of it–mostly because I was ‘scared’ to put myself so out there!  But you know what–this whole dating process scares the shit out of me and I do it anyway so why should this be any different?  I have always tried (and usually succeeded) to live my life doing things that scare me–from relocating  4x to getting married to having kids to getting divorced, doing a marathon etc…why should I stop now?

Back to the blog (I tend to wander as you will no doubt notice)–I believe there is something I can learn from each date and I hope that passing that along to you will also reinforce to me just what it is I learned.  Some dates taught me extensively and others, well, weren’t really memorable enough to teach me much!  Since I can’t even keep track of the amount of times I have been told that this process is just a ‘numbers’ game, I have decided that for privacy’s sake I will refer to each of my dates by their number in order of when we dated..the names are changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty, I guess)

Nearly every date listed here came as a result of online dating–I really dislike the process and it is counter-intuitive to how I would prefer to meet people (get to know them and then develop an attraction) but in this day and age it I consider it a necessary evil because random appropriate single men aren’t just knocking on my door (note to random appropriate single men:  I can give you my address if you want…lol)

It would make so much sense if I could just start at number ONE and go from there but since I am on number NINETEEN (sigh), it makes more sense to me to tell you about the most recent ones while I still remember them best (after all, I am 52 yo people) so it may get a little confusing until I catch up.  Don’t worry, I don’t go on that many dates (at least I didn’t think I did) so one of these days I will be caught up and it will make more sense.

NOTE:  I actually re-dated these posts so they are in correct order–the dates don’t really jive wth when they were written, but I was more concerned with the posts being in order so this is what works to get them that way–whew!

Anyway, hope you enjoy my journey and we both learn something from it!

Well it seemed like a good idea at the time……

Welcome to my first-ever blog post–yes, I guess this is a little like losing your virginity cause once you do it, you can’t undo it (although, frankly, it’s been so long for me that I consider myself re-virginized but that’s a story for another day!)  I woke up this morning and figured since this is the first day of the rest of my life maybe I should actually do something with it and in a fit of temporary insanity I set up this blog.  I’m not exactly sure what I hope to accomplish here other than share my (and maybe some of my friends) dating experiences and let you know that if you are single and dating in your 50’s, you are not alone!  So check in once in awhile for a chuckle (at my expense) and let’s see if we can make sense of this brave new world of dating the next time around!

**note of thanks to ‘Uncle Lou’–who K and I met in a bar at at football viewing party (I like football, K likes wine)–we told him of our search for good men and he told us to just keep smiling and it would happen.  He also made us both paper flowers made of bar napkins–apparently a popular party trick! So, Uncle Lou, my domain name justgottasmile.com was named while thinking of your comment so thank you! (Vix wanted me to call it DMFAO–dating my f**king ass off–can you believe it was taken?)