Monthly Archives: October 2012

Well, it was bound to happen!  I have dipped a toe into the cougar pool with my Mr. Twenty (although, truth be told–he winked at me first!)  I’m not sure if his age actually makes me a full-on cougar (7 years younger than me) or just a cougar wanna be, but he is the youngest I have ever dated and it gave me pause…ok, it full-on freaks me out–at least a little!

As I said above, Mr. Twenty initiated contact with me–and as soon as I saw his age, I was tempted to just pass but then I read his profile (there I go again, actually reading the profiles–imagine that!) and thought we had a lot in common so I answered him.  He had no problem with the age difference, but I reserved judgement until we met–just to make sure I didn’t look like his mother or something when I was out with him!

We started out talking on the phone–it was very comfortable and we spoke for about 1 hour (a long time for a first phone call, but certainly not the longest I have ever spoken to a guy–have you picked up yet that I like to communicate?).  What was different, however, is how we then proceeded to text back and forth for another 1.5 hours…now, I like to text but 1.5 hours of texting is a lot of typing! Texting has become a very acceptable form of communication for people, but I’m not sure it’s the way to go when you are first getting to know each other because it’s such a ‘flat’ form of communication.  You don’t see facial expression or hear voice inflection when you text and I think it’s very easy to write something one way and have it be taken another–which happened with Mr. Twenty.

After our marathon texting session on the first day, we texted a bit the next day and then again the next day.  By the third day, he was questioning if I wanted to go out with him and I was still waiting to be asked!  He finally asks and we agree to lunch later in the week.  During this same text conversation (now we haven’t spoken since the very start, but have continued to text for 3 days) I said something that I thought was a joke and he jumped on it–I have no doubt if we were speaking, he would have realized it was a joke but texting doesn’t give that perspective so he took it seriously.  He almost cancelled our date, but we worked it out and went on with it.

I was a little apprehensive about the date, given how I felt he turned angry so quickly during the previous texting session but it went well and we had a very pleasant lunch.  I certainly didn’t look like his mother and could probably date someone around this age again–but only if I felt we had a significant amount in common.  He said he wanted to go out again and I probably would have..but we started texting again!

He contacted me the next day to ask me out for a drink but I already had plans–during this texting session, I again made a joke that he obviously didn’t get–now I have a very east coast sense of humor and he is from a very different part of the country and I think he just doesn’t get ‘me’.  When you add this to the fact that the joke was in text form, it’s just a recipe for misunderstanding…having to explain your jokes, especially in a text, is just not fun for me.  This time around, I want someone to know, love and ‘get’ me–and I just wasn’t seeing that possibility in this person.

I think he was a very nice person and I do think I will keep up with him as a friend but he has moved from my potential ‘love connection’ list–as I said last time, next!

Lessons learned:

1.  Age is a number–it may not be make or break until you actually meet and see how it feels in person.

2.  Beware texting–it is easy and fun to do but rife with the potential for misunderstanding–especially in the beginning stages of a relationship.

3.  If you really want to communicate with someone, use the phone once in awhile!

When I last left you, I was dreading going to this mixer…I just am not a cocktail party person.  I can do it when I have to (or when Vix makes me, that is) but it certainly is not my comfort zone and the way I would prefer to spend an evening.  And the potential for ‘discomfort’ lurked around every corner at this one–people I have rejected, people who rejected me and probably even worse–the chance for multiple ‘one and done’ dates being there!  My plan for the evening was to look as good as I could muster and keep my wits about me and a smile on my face…

Mission accomplished–yeah! I drove down with Vix and the combination of the drink she made me and her ‘just have fun’ attitude served to calm me by the time we got there.  Yes, there were people who I rejected (saw at least 2) and people who I ‘one and done’ dated (saw at least 1–#4-haven’t gotten to his story yet, but he was memorable, to say the least) and even Mr. IM (who came up to me to say hi-imagine that!)  I did not, unfortunately, see the gentleman (not my first word choice, mind you) who sent me that lovely rejection letter, though–so he obviously doesn’t look like his pictures!  And, thankfully, I didn’t see number seventeen–that would have been really difficult for me!

All in all, not the evening from hell I was expecting–Vix walked away with the number of one of the band members (age 41!!–growl and 4 paws up to you, Vix) and I walked away with Mr. IM (who would have thought that?)   Seeing number 4 was a little weird for me–it’s been around 8 months but I’m pretty sure he recognized me too since every time I saw him, he was looking in my direction.  I really meant to say something to him, but he was always speaking to someone when I was close enough to him to say something so it never worked out.  He was a nice man but just not for me.

So back to Mr. IM–he walked right up to me saying my name and I was completely caught off guard.  He’s very cute in person and we ended up talking together for at least an hour until the end.  He said he was still planning to call me–and that he expressed interest in me in the other site to show he was still interested…this, my friends, is the whole Venus and Mars thing in a nutshell.  What he did made perfect sense to him and absolutely no sense to me at all–when I really think about it, I wonder how any man and woman ever get together given how different we are!  Now,  he says he’s going to call me so we can go out  so we will have to see (wonder why I got a sense of deja vu?)

UPDATE:  Got the call this afternoon–and a date on Friday night!  Woo hoo! Guess now I owe Vix, instead of the other way around! Damn!

The gurus at Match have come up with a new way to meet–they sponsor meetings called “Stir” events where members get together in person to meet and mingle.  These events are compromised of bringing age-appropriate guests (in my case apparently mid 40’s +) together at a bar/restaurant (or other venue) and seeing what happens.  You need to rsvp in advance for them and they  seem to be pretty popular as they fill almost immediately.  Vix and I went to the first one they held  back in June, but I, unfortunately, had what I think was a gall bladder attack (coincidence or just feeling the pain of being single–hmmm??) and  I remember the 1 hour I could stand being there (as I am running in and out of the bathroom) in a total blur.  We can just say it was not my finest hour and keep it at that.

Well, being the glutton for punishment that I apparently am (and with the strong encouragement of Vix)–I am going to try again tonight–this time without the stomach pain, I hope.  I am breaking out the little black dress and my new fav shoes so I hope they work for me:

Love these shoes!!  What is it about shoes that just make you happy?

There is a special postscript to this story as well (isn’t there always?):  Match shows you a thumbnail size picture of just 10 of the men who will be attending to help lure you in, I guess. They put the number at approx 140 men last I saw–and the list of people I hope are not among them is sizable! Just in that group of 10, there is at least 1 guy who has contacted me twice (and I have turned down twice), Mr IM (who didn’t return my call last week) as well someone who I contacted who turned me down.  (and there are still 130 others not listed! Now I know why my gallbladder wasn’t feeling the love last time) Now, I have certainly both given and received my share of rejection on this site, but this particular man’s ‘rejection’ letter stands as the cruelest I have ever received….this is directly copied from his letter–no editorial license taken at all:

Hello.  Nice profile. Thank you for your interest but I am just not feeling that we’d be a Match for dating or other purposes. I wish you well.

Match for dating OR other purposes? What OTHER purposes?  What is that supposed to mean?   I don’t want to be your friend? We will never hang out together? I wouldn’t have sex with you if you laid down on the floor and begged?   I have to say, I was so offended by this note, I would have preferred that he hadn’t answered at all.  If  recognize him at this event (not a sure thing given how different some people look in real life), I can’t really promise that I won’t be asking him to define ‘other purposes’–stay tuned, my friends—am I the only one who thinks this could be the cocktail party from Hell? Update tomorrow!

Since I told you of stepping out of my comfort zone and literally ‘reaching out’ to a guy I was interested it, I guess I need to give you the follow up results…..

After getting Mr. IMs number, I said I would call him the next day and we settled for 4ish.  At about 4:15, I muster up the courage to make yet another ‘cold call’ to a stranger (although once you do enough of these, it does get somewhat easier–I imagine I’ve done close to 50 by now).  He answers and has a nice voice and nice energy–this could be ok.  It turns out he is at a pretty popular local restaurant/bar with his daughter so we talk for a few minutes (went great, I thought) but there is obviously a lot going on and he asks if he could call me back later that evening.  I had a commitment, but said I would be back around 8:30-9 pm and he could call after that. He said no problem, he would text first to make sure it was ok and I looked forward to speaking to him again. 3 days later and I am still waiting….wish I could say this wasn’t typical, but in my experience (and that of all of my friends) it is.

Interesting follow-up on this one though:  Match has a companion site that is not as well known called Chemistry.com and there is a lot of people who are on both. I was on Chemistry for a short time a few months ago but even when you drop off, they still keep your profile up. This means you can continually get interest from people who think you are active, which Chemistry (in turn) sends to you to ‘lure’ you back to their site to rejoin–“Mr. X is interested in YOU! He sent you an E-MAIL! Join today to read it!” Well, I fell for this recently (like I’m the only one who would like to meet a cute orthopedic surgeon who is interested in me–don’t judge!) and rejoined for just a month to read this stupid e-mail from the above-mentioned doctor (who ended up e-mailing me twice telling me he is interested but too busy right now but he would be in touch soon–after he goes through his list of other ladies he is interested in, I suppose)  Anyway, they sucked me in for another month but I’m not the only one–K did the same thing once–you are so ever-hopeful to find the ‘one’ that you don’t want to miss that opportunity cause this could be IT!

So what does any of this have to do with Mr IM? Without realizing it, (while waiting for the doctor to get back to me) I had expressed interest in him through his profile on this site (you can formally state you have an ‘interest’ in someone and your ‘interest’ will be sent to them so they can see if they feel the same) and yesterday, 2 days after he actually spoke to me on the phone and didn’t call me back–he expresses interest in me!  Confused yet?  I sure am!

If you are going to really give dating a valid try, you have to get out of your comfort zone–period!  I find myself (on a regular basis, mind you) doing things that I look back on and can’t believe I even did–like last night…

On the dating site I am on (big secret–I’ve mentioned it already, I guess–Match) you can do something called winking.  If you ‘wink’ at a person, it is merely to get their attention because you are too lazy, too scared or not literate enough to actually put words together and write them a message. It is almost a throw-away–I get a lot of winks where you respond and you never hear back from the person again so who knows what they were thinking when they sent it.  In the real world, I’m pretty sure if someone actually winked at me, I would laugh in my drink cause I’m assuming I’m at a bar when this happens–not just because of who I hang out with (Vix and K), but because it seems like the only setting where someone would be foolish enough to think that would be appropriate.

Anyway, I use to only write to guys–crafting thoughtful, articulate, funny letters based on specific things in their profiles (yes, I actually read them all the way through–so many don’t!) that I was sure made me look so witty and charming  how could they not answer me immediately before someone else on the site snapped me up??   Then I woke up. The percentage of people who answer your letters is so pitifully small (If I was better at math, I would calculate how minute a percentage it is mathematically but since I’m better expressing myself through words, I will give you an approximation in words: hardly any)  So now, I join the ranks of the lazy and give a cheesy wink if I have any interest and my response rates are probably still the same with much less work.

Recently I winked at this cute guy with an interesting profile and he had looked at me a few times but had not done anything ….. When I went on last night, he had just looked at me again and he was still online (you can tell on site–it is a little stalker-ish though) so……I used the 3rd means of communication you have on Match and I IMed him. (this site has turned me into one aggressive dater–ugh!).  Lo and behold, he responded, we online chatted for a few minutes and he gave me his number and asked me to call him (things are a little backward on Match–most guys have the women call them so the women have a little ‘control’ over the situation–like the ability to hide their number if they want to)  So I am calling him today at 4ish to see if he ends up my number 20 (gosh, it sounds so official now) Number 20 will be my first date since I actually started writing this blog–versus the writing in my head I have been doing since the beginning..wonder if it will make the date feel different? (Will the tape recorder on the table top be too obvious?)

Just a note here–he happened to mention that he had been to a restaurant/bar not too far from me recently  and asked me if I had ever been there–well, I was there on a Sat night about 2-3 weeks ago with Vix and K… and Vix did everything short of dancing on top of the bar that night while K and I hid our heads (laughing hysterically) and got stuck talking with the lesbian (we think) girl who just kept telling us how cool our friend was! So no, I’ve never been to that bar.

Mr Nineteen had a bit of an ego, I think (based on his profile and the first phone call)…but I needed a date like this for my own ego purposes but…… ultimately it was just too much!  Our contact started on a Sunday when he asked me to call him—we had a very short, uneventful and fairly boring conversation where he just talked about himself and how he was going to buy a condo in cash (note to men:  DON’T do this–the women who respond to it are not the women you want to be with!).  Anyway, after thinking about it, I was going to text him the next day and cancel and before I could, he called me to apologize.  Apparently he was watching football with a buddy and drinking and he really didn’t even remember some of our conversation (men:  don’t call/take a call if you were drinking–first contact deserves full attention) and wanted to finish talking to me.  I actually felt better after that phone call and we made plans to meet on Fri at a very nice bar for drinks.

I took out my killer little black dress for this one–it’s simple, but I think it looks great and it makes me feel like I look great!  Well, I should have taken it down a notch for this one because I think I overwhelmed him–our drinks hadn’t even arrived yet and he was asking me for the next date..over and over! Did I want dinner? Where? A USC football game? A Chargers game? Anywhere I wanted to go (perhaps I should have said home??)  And yes, I appreciate being told you like the way I look but hearing how hot I am every 5 min just negates it (men:  give one compliment and make it genuine and then STOP)  And smooth he was not…one exchange:  Him: You’re really 52? You don’t have any wrinkles…well, just a few!   OMG  What do I say to that?  He went to the bathroom and I was texting my friend K “help me…”

He wanted to go to dinner after our drinks but I had absolutely no interest in extending this evening so I made up an excuse that I needed to get home for my daughter. He insisted on walking me to my car, at which time he took my hand to lead me out of the bar and held my hand while we were walking-I guess I need to get better about not doing things I don’t want to do! (one of my lessons, I guess!) While waiting for the elevator, he asked for a kiss on the cheek–figuring what could it hurt, I did it. Then  he asked for another on his lips (and while you think I would have stopped there–idiot me figured a peck wouldn’t hurt) and he open-lip kissed me–blech!! All I could think about on the way home was washing out my lips with bleach!  I still get queasy thinking about it!

Within the first hour home, I sent him an e-mail telling him I wasn’t interested in a second date and (surprisingly) got a very nice response thanking me for the date and telling me he understood.  Hopefully his Saturday, Sunday or Monday date (made sure I knew all the women he had lined up )after me go better for him

Lessons learned:

1. If someone doesn’t pay attention on the first phone call, it’s not a good sign!

2. Save your hot dress for someone who deserves it! As a companion to this, it is actually possible to have someone tell you that you are hot too many times (who knew?)

3.  Don’t let anyone invade your personal space (unless you want them to–wait until number seventeen lol)

Mr Eighteen was a pleasant date–perfectly nice but not exciting by any means–and he has a boat (sadly, I’m not easily impressed so it didn’t carry the weight with me that it might with some other ladies)  We met at a very nice wine bar I had wanted to try and we talked about his sailing adventures and his yacht club–light, breezy conversation but nothing of consequence.  I think his shortcoming (aside from his fairly small stature) was coming after number SEVENTEEN  because it would take a lot to get my attention after that date!

We left it that he would call me and I would come down to his yacht club and spend the day on his boat (did I mention he has a boat??)  I’m still waiting….lol

Lesson learned:

1.  I really need someone who is taller than 5′ 7–even though I am only 5′ 3 (sorry, like my high shoes too much!)

2.  I could really care less if you have a boat–things don’t really impress me (sorry!)

Waiting and hoping is a hard thing to do when you’ve already been waiting and hoping for almost as long as you can bear it.”
― Jenny Nimmo, Charlie Bone and the Time Twister

I may not be as patient a person as I think I am.  I mean, I really try to be a patient person but when I really want something, it’s very difficult for me to wait for it. Waiting for Mr. Seventeen to contact me back was excruciating..Wed, Thurs, Fri and no phone call..by Sunday I was just feeling terrible and I didn’t know what to do..so I called my intuitive (see above, I live in California–it’s not considered crazy here!).

So what is an intuitive?  It’s someone who reads and works with people’s energy/auras, kind of like a holistic healer–she does not consider herself a psychic and she doesn’t predict the future, per se.  Anyway, I had gone to her once before about 6 month earlier and felt much better afterward so I felt like it might help. I guess I was just grasping at straws cause I was still trying to process how an amazing night could just end like that. I made an appointment for the next Wednesday and tried to be patient.

If you read line 1, you will see I may not be a patient person.  By Monday, I had to write to him to at least see where his head was at–and I was willing to accept whatever answer I got to at least get an answer.  (I am one of those crazy people that would rather just be told the truth than live in indecision land holding on to my hopes) I wrote the most heartfelt, raw letter I ever wrote just telling him how I felt and asking him not to just walk away because there was the potential for someone getting hurt.  (note to reader: I mentioned he was a widower, well he also had a relationship since being widowed that also hurt him so he was twice bitten, I guess)  I read that letter over about 50 times and I hit send  at 5 pm (cause I didn’t want to interrupt his work day) and held my breath…until I turned blue cause it took 12 hours to get a response…(you can just imagine how much I slept that night!)

The bottom line–he was being genuine the first night, he doesn’t know why he pulled back but regardless, he is not interested in a serious relationship at this time…(guess that could have mentioned that in his profile–that states he is wanting a ‘special relationship’  or it could have come up at some point during that night but no…) Poof!   24 hours of amazing was all I could achieve with my sweet seventeen.   Sending the letter at least got me an answer, not the answer I wanted–but I was no longer holding my breath waiting to hear from him.  Almost all of my friends told me not to send it and give him time but I needed to do it and I’m so glad I did–from his letter to me,  I got the sense he had already compartmentalized me and I’m not sure I would have ever heard from him again and, as I said, the not knowing was the hardest part–I’d rather know a hard truth than hold on to false hope.

Luckily for me, that Tuesday I was hosting 14 friends for dinner and bunco so I really didn’t have time to dwell on it.   I had a lot to do and, with the help of many friends (and an awesome sangria recipe I made–take that, Vix!) I had a very fun night and a pretty decent sleep for the first time in 1 week.  By Wednesday I was just sad at the loss of potential but I headed to my intuitive (Mi for short) anyway just to see what she had to say.

Now, you can believe or not believe–it really doesn’t matter to me.  For me personally, I think there is so much out there that we just have no conception of and I do believe there are people who are more in tune with this other world–and I think there are many, many more who prey on people’s hopes and they create a bad name for the rest of them.  That being said, you can believe or not but I am open to the experience and I wanted to hear what Mi had to say.

I walked in and explained that when I had called on Sunday, I was feeling very unsettled about a recent relationship but in the interim, things had clarified and it was no longer an open issue–and she looked at me and said “Is this about the e-mail?” and I quickly said no and then I realized that yes, it certainly was (again, believe or don’t–doesn’t really matter to me)  I explained the situation of how everything was so amazing one day and the next it wasn’t and her words to me were chilling but made perfect sense–she said he went home after the date and started to feel like he was cheating on his (long-dead, mind you) wife because he was feeling something for me that he hadn’t felt in awhile and it freaked him out and he just closed the door on me.   I’ve since done some research (hey, I may not be technically proficient but I can google with the best of them) and I read that widows and widowers sometimes struggle with finding new love because they still love their dead spouse and there’s a struggle on how to move on with the living while still respecting their feelings for the  dead.

It’s hard enough to compete with an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend who is still in the picture, but what do you do with a dead soulmate wife–sadly, absolutely nothing.  This is something he will choose to work out (or not, as the case may be) and I have no part in this process.  It’s ironic, though, because I actually was not bothered/threatened by her place in his life because I thought it spoke volumes about his character and his ability to maintain a commitment to someone. In my mind, she deserves a place in his heart always–I just thought that maybe there would be some left over for me too 🙁

As a postscript to this, Mi thinks he will tire of meaningless dates and reconnect with me in the future–after I am already seeing someone else.  It’s kind of like being starving and then being shown a lobster and a steak and being told  that one day soon you can have both–just not yet…as I said, I am working very hard to be patient but it’s not easy!

Let’s see…we left off yesterday with the best date of my 50+ dating life–so there was really only 2 ways this could go–the start of something with tremendous potential or the other way…guess you know where I am heading here!

After saying he wanted to see me the next day, Mr. Seventeen and I made plans to meet at a beach for a sunset.  We spoke briefly that day, and agreed to meet late in the afternoon.  I took a page from my friend Vix’s playbook and decided to bring a small picnic-style dinner–all purchased from Trader Joes (the man I really should try to date).  I made caprese on skewers w/ balsamic dressing, and Trader Joe made the rest: tabouli, olive tapanade/pita chips, marcona almonds and strawberries.  For dessert, dark chocolate mint cups (who doesn’t like dark chocolate??)  (Brief disclaimer here–if Vix did this dinner, she would have made all this food herself and served it in real dishes with real napkins–Vix did not make this dinner, ok?)

We sat on the beach and watched the sunset, ate and talked but I could already feel something was different…it took awhile but it all came tumbling out:   What happened the night before apparently freaked him out and he wasn’t sure how to handle it and needed time.  So, in the f**king irony that is my life, I finally meet someone who I like, that likes me and it ends up  he may like me too much so it’s a problem.

No make out session this time–we left with the understanding he would take some time to think about things and get back to me…I, romantic fool that I now realize I am, really just thought he would take a couple of days to think about it, realize we really had potential, and come back to me….well, I’m still waiting… 🙁

Lessons learned:

1.  Just because you think someone is perfect for you, you may not be perfect for them…

2.  Timing is everything

3.  Even the good guys don’t follow through on their promises

4.  I really miss kissing (and other things)

Ahh, the date of my dating career thus far–and it only took me 17 dates to get here!  I knew SEVENTEEN was different from the start–I winked at him and he answered right away with a great e-mail (sorry–I judge–a well-written e-mail goes far with me!) and I just felt….something.  The e-mail suggested I call him so I did that afternoon (much to my friend K’s surprise–‘You’re calling him already?  What’s going on??’)  He was getting ready to go away for the weekend but we spoke for 55 minutes until he boarded his plane and then texted for a few minutes afterward.  It was so completely comfortable that I couldn’t wait to meet this man.  I didn’t know what was going on but this felt different–what I know now is that we had that elusive CHEMISTRY–the thing we are all looking for and find so rarely (at least for me)

After some brief contact over the weekend (playful texting), we made plans to meet Monday night at a local sports bar.  Now I have had a few dates where I had an incredible lead-up to the date, only to be disappointed when we met in person but this was different immediately–I was into him and he was into me.  We talked and laughed for almost 3 hours and it was totally comfortable the whole time.  We talked about serious things (he was a widower and I heard the whole story of his wife’s passing 11 years earlier) and fun things but the conversation never lagged and we had a blast.  When he walked me back to my car in the lot and gave me a kiss, it was just amazing–and the next thing you know, I am kissing him in a parking lot like a teenager! (I am surprised and thankful the people eating outside on the restaurant porch didn’t tell us to get a room!) Now up to that point, I had gone 16 dates without kissing anyone and here I was practically making out with a stranger–somehow it felt totally normal though!

I ended up driving him back to his car (he was parked a couple of blocks away) and another brief make-out session ensued in my car–I really can’t describe how amazing it felt to me to kiss him–it was an overwhelming feeling of pure happiness as I finally felt I found what I had been looking for for so long…it was one of those nights that you wish would never end…  He even sent me a text when he got home where I asked him if it was just a dream and he replied no, even thought it felt like one..we made plans to see each other again the next day…It really felt surreal and I remember one of my friends calling to ask me about the date and I really couldn’t speak–and do you know how often that happens?? (can you say never?)  I couldn’t wait until the next day.

…..

After making out with Seventeen, I think I am officially a Match-ho…..

Lessons Learned:

1.  Knock -you -off- your- feet chemistry still exists–even when you are 50+ years old.  This may be the best thing I have learned so far!

2.  It is actually possible to render me speechless (who knew?)

3.  If it feels too good to be true, it just may be….

Hmm, until I met seventeen, I would have said sixteen was one of my best dates–minus the chemistry, that is.  He had me meet him at his condo–I know this is not really appropriate, but he lived steps from the water and we were going to a park  very close to his house so it really made sense and I always take precautions by telling a friend who I am with and where I am going.   Lucky K is the one who usually tracks me–I  am not new to this rodeo, my friends.

We met at his door and walked down to the park where he had chairs and a blanket set up.  He took out a music player for music and he had cheese and crackers and fruit all ready to go–it was pretty great!  He had also fixed and marinated salmon and veggies, but we were talking so much we never grilled them!  After watching the sun go down, we went back to his place, dropped off the stuff and headed out to a restaurant on the main street area very close to his condo.  (this condo was a primo location in a primo town!) We went to a nice place, ordered and shared 2 desserts and then went back to his condo once more.

It was very nice, very comfortable, very civilized but not a spark in sight–but at this stage I thought the sparks would come later so it really didn’t matter to me (remember, I was yet to meet Seventeen and find you could have sparks immediately–he has truly ruined me for average dates now)  As we were ending the date, my daughter called crying (she had had a recent sports injury and was in pain) and asking when I was coming home and it took a few minutes to calm her down and let her know I was just leaving so goodbye got a bit rushed but I fully expected I would have a second date so I wasn’t worried.  I got home, sent him the requisite ‘thank you’ e-mail and didn’t give it another thought.  Next day, after paddleboarding with Vix (and she fell in–now everyone knows!–ok, i was in a kayak)  I get a short, curt text telling me he would not be looking for a second date–since all signals were go all the way until the end, I can only assume he thought having my daughter at home was baggage he wasn’t willing to deal with–no great loss on my part.

Dating while you have kids at home just makes them part of the package–they will be your priority until they leave and, to me, a real man will accept and understand that.

My daughter is a teenager so this image is completely wishful thinking–but I do still remember the one day long, long ago my son and daughter were like this so I went with it….

Lessons Learned:

1.  Chemistry is immediate (at least for me).  You can grow to love someone, but true chemistry doesn’t need time.

2.  Kids are not baggage–and how men treat/talk about their kids speaks volumes about their character.

Ah, Mr. Fifteen…a pretty angry man, I think.  I connected with him when he looked at my profile and I looked back at his–I had remembered writing to  him many months earlier, but he never responded (so not unusual, unfortunately!).  When I read his profile this time, though, it was like a good bye letter telling how match just didn’t work for him and he was getting off the site and was just wishing everyone well.

I took the opportunity to write to him and tell him that I had reached out to him many months earlier but was never answered, and wished him well outside of match.  I got a reply right away this time–how could he not have contacted me? He apologized profusely and said he would love to talk and gave me his number.  I told him I would call him the next day and left it at that.

Well, for some reason he decided to update his profile again–but this time it was almost a rant saying how people were taking advantage of him and how much he was spending on dates and how he got nothing in return–I was floored!  If this had been the original profile I read, I would have never responded–it just sounded angry and bitter.  I now dreaded calling him at all, but since I said I would, I did.  The phone call went ok and we made plans to meet on a Thursday evening for coffee.

We met and coffee was fine (but no sparks) but I just couldn’t unread the bitter profile update he had posted (which he said he subsequently pulled–wish it was before I saw it!)  We left there with tentative plans to meet to play pool in a few days and I said I would get back to him with dates.  On Friday I said I needed another day or so to get my schedule together, but I was still struggling with how bitter he came across–how could I let him pay for anything after his rant about being taken advantage of?   I finally decided on Sunday that life was too short to go out on a date you don’t want to be on and I sent him a note saying that I just wasn’t interested in seeing him again and wished him well….

Well…..I get a snarky e-mail saying something to the effect “Well, you wanted to see me on Friday, but changed your mind on Sunday so I guess someone had a really great Saturday–good luck to you!”  Wow, I was blown away and more than  a bit relieved that I listened to my instincts and cancelled–I mean, Bitter, Party of 1 or what?   I think he needs to work out a few issues before he starts dating again.

As a total aside, my friends and I pass along this large, very ugly ceramic monkey from person to person among ourselves that is named the same name as this man–it would have never worked out because my friends would have snickered every time I said his name–it was for the best!

Our monkey–found him in my shower the night of bunco–you see why it would have never worked?

Lessons learned:

1.  Listen to your instincts–they are usually right more than they are wrong

2.  Don’t rage in your profile–it’s not attractive at all

3.  If someone writes to you, you really should answer–even if it’s just to say no thank you–K and I look at it like karma–clear your in basket so you can clear your karma!

4. Don’t date someone named after the monkey you and your friends pass around.

There are dates you will always remember because they are good (#17), those you will remember because they were so bad (#8, #19) and those you will struggle to remember because they were just ok (almost all the rest!)  Mr. Fourteen was another very pleasant date–we met for coffee one morning and he seemed like a nice guy.  He was, however, in what I would consider the early stages of separation and I’m not really sure he was ready to date yet.

Why is it that men feel the need to rush from marriage into a relationship right away?  If I am sitting across from you and I ask you when your divorce will be final and you don’t even know (or worse yet, you have to count and you are using 1 hand’s worth of fingers)–it’s probably too soon to be dating.

One last thing–at the end of this date, he said he really wanted to see me again and take me to dinner–we even discussed potential restaurants.  I sent him a thank you for the date and he responded by asking me my schedule for the next week so we could plan our dinner.  I sent him my open evenings and…I am still waiting for a reply…really?

Lesson learned:

1.  Beware of the dreaded ‘separated’–make sure separated really means available.

2. Even someone who asks you two different times may not actually take you out again.

You never know what is going to come from an interaction on Match.  I wrote to thirteen because I really liked his profile–it was well-written, funny and comprehensive.  He  looked a bit like Davy Jones of the Monkees (in a moppet kind of way) but I thought it was cute.  We both had kids at home that were the same age, both were from the east coast and we seemed to like many of the same things–it was promising.

Since this was before I became a burned-out letter writer, I wrote him a nice e-mail and asked him to check out my profile.  He answered fairly quickly and said while he liked my profile very much, I was too far away.  Let me just say this–I have been contacted by multiple people that are often 2+ hours away from here–and he was prob 30-40 min tops–relatively local by the standards around here.    His profile parameters were set at a 20 mile vicinity, while I figured we were probably at 23 or so–certainly reasonable or so I thought.

I usually don’t answer back after a ‘rejection’ letter–is there really that much to say? But this one was different—I thought we had enough in common that 3 miles was pretty inconsequential so I wrote to him and basically stated that from what I could tell, I was only about 3 miles out of his range and I was certainly worth it! (confidence is a plus on Match) I also added that I had done a marathon last year so I was pretty certain I could get to his house even without a car–gotta say, I loved that line!  There was no response so I figured that was the end of that.

About 6 weeks later, I get a response e-mail telling me that since he liked my profile so much, he would bend his own rule and meet with me.  We corresponded by e-mail about 3-4 times and he was eloquent and witty and I was looking forward to meeting him by the time we actually got together–which due to vacation time and his initial delay in getting back to me was about 2 months from our first contact–an eternity on Match!  We planned to meet at a local beachside restaurant/bar for a drink at sunset.

Note to self:  Beachside bars in CA don’t always have air conditioning..and we ended up meeting on one of the hottest days of the year.  It was like an oven in there (probably because this particular bar had a pizza oven too) so when I say I was sweating through this date, I only mean that literally.  We ordered our drinks and started talking–it was not the most comfortable I have ever been, but it wasn’t bad.  When his beer came, however, he would pick it up and take a little sip and put it down and immediately pick it up and do it again–over and over like 5-6 times in rapid succession.  I start looking around for the camera because I am trying to figure out if I am getting ‘punked’–it was really all I could do to not tell him to just take a real chug of your damn beer and stop because you are freaking me out! I have since been told that this may have been  kind of a nervous-tic reaction–perhaps he was reacting to the rapidly-building sweat waterfall that was probably dripping down my face (only to be matched by the creeping puffiness that was building in my hair)–I don’t really know.  Anyway, he seemed to calm down a bit and we chatted on for awhile.  The only odd thing was he still seemed ‘fixated’ (best word I could use) on the distance between us (again, about 23 miles, give or take a mile)

Now, I have said this before–on my first date, I don’t expect to see fireworks and shooting stars–if I think we have a lot of common ground, I am not so focused on the sexual attraction piece of it because I think (maybe wrongly–I’m still not sure) that you can build towards that as you get to know a person better. That being said, if I think I could go out with this person again and have fun, I usually am open to a second date.  In 13’s case, I thought we had enough in common that we could go out again and see what happens.  We left the bar saying he would contact me and we would go out again.

The next morning, I get an e-mail from him stating he had researched traffic patterns between my home and his (did I forget to mention he was an engineer?) and calculated how much time he would spend on the road going to my house over a 2-year period (why 2 years? I don’t have a clue!) and as a traffic-phobe (his words, not mine) he just couldn’t do it.  This time, I didn’t write back to plead my case (see, I am learning something!) So, thirteen, I guess the quote above will not be hanging on the wall at your house!

Lessons learned:

1.  If someone tells you no, hear them the first time.

2.  Nervous people do strange things. (or is it strange people do nervous things?)

3. Don’t date engineers (not sure I believe this but K tells me this all the time)

4. No beachside bars during heat waves.

Went out to lunch at a local chinese restaurant with K today..are we the only ones that keep on eating fortune cookies until we get a fortune we like?  I stopped at 4 not loving any of them…K is happy that a visitor will soon delight her…..