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Number Three contacted me in the flurry of activity that started 2011 for me on a busy dating foot!  He had a very ‘flowery’ profile: talking about all the exotic adventures he had been on and remarking that he was still ready for more.  We wrote a bit, talked on the phone and set up a date at a (wait for it!) coffee shop one evening after work.  He had a very unusual job history–including a stint as a professional gambler–not someone you come across every day.

I was telling my friend J about this date I was about to go on and how unusual his background was when she said “Is his name xxxx?”  And it was.  My date was her daughter’s best friend’s dad.  How weird is that?  J knew his wife and all his history, some that I’m sure he may have left out when telling me his background!  Now I was faced with a dilemma–do I still go out with him? Do I tell him I know J? I really didn’t know what to do and the date was approaching fast!

I finally decided (after talking to a few friends) to go on the date and not say anything.   So I went and it was pretty uneventful.  Nice man, zero chemistry, no second date–I had decided, if there was a second date, to tell him about J at that point.  With no second date, the point was moot–but it really drove home what a small dating universe there really is.  I have to say, whenever I meet a divorced woman these days, I wonder if I have ever dated her husband!  There really are not that many men to go around and you are bound to come across guys who are somehow connected to your friends (you know, six degrees of separation).  So beware, cause the same thing could be happening to you!

Lessons learned:

1. Everyone who is divorced is someone’s ex..That could get awkward.

About 3 months after my first date, I was feeling strong/crazy/bored enough to try again–so I signed back up for Match and I was full-throttle back in the game of looking at people, having them look at me, sending e-mails (never answered), receiving e-mails (most not wanting to answer–but I always try to) and generally getting sucked back into the vortex..but this time I was ready (or at least, readier!)

I ended up with a close-together string of dates in early Jan–for some reason (and this happened for K as well), my match dates seem to come in bunches–I have between 2-5 pretty close together and then none for some time.  This date started a string of four with number 2 up first.  Number 2 was a very nice man.  He was very new to this process, so I was the one to help him figure his way through it (imagine that!)  I think I contacted him, we wrote a bit and arranged to meet for a coffee date (a place I would also visit again with at least 1 other date).  It was pleasant, it was nice,  it just wasn’t anything special.    We  both left the coffee wondering where to go from here–do we go out again and see if something happens?  Do we let it go?  He actually texted me and asked if I thought we should go out again–was I feeling anything?

It really was a crapshoot–He seemed like a nice, normal, stable man but there were no sparks at all and I really didn’t see them coming.  The deciding factor for me was his love for golf and my relative disinterest toward it.  He loved golf–playing golf, watching golf, taking golf vacations–it really was a passion in his life that I just did not share.  Personally, I’d rather watch grass grow than watch golf on tv.  It’s just too slow paced to catch my interest.  I told him while he seemed like a very nice man, I felt he needed to find a lady who shared his passion for golf to have a successful match and we each moved on.  If I had a single friend who was into golf, I would have passed him along in a heartbeat.  He was a good one, he just wasn’t my good one…

Lessons learned:

1.  Pay attention to their passions (and there is a difference between passion and interest) and if you don’t share it, it may not work out.

2.  Sometimes it pains you to pass on someone who you think could be a really good guy–he just may not be right for you.

Wow!  As I write this, date number one was a long time ago…nearly 3 years ago! But since every good story needs a starting place, mine starts here.  I had been on Match for about 6 months at this point–first having joined when I was divorced about 6 months..  I know the amount of time before you jump into dating will vary from person to person, but I now realize it was just too fast to me.  After a 26 year marriage, I still felt ‘married’.  When the first person wrote to me on Match, I froze–I didn’t even know what to do! I spent almost the first 5 months of my initial 6 month subscription just spinning my wheels in place–it took me all the way until the last month before I felt I could actually face the prospect of going out with someone for the first time in about 28 years…enter date number one!

Date number one contacted me first (I think)–although on Match it is perfectly acceptable for the women to initiate contact (and in actuality, I think it happens this way more often than not).  We went back and forth with a few e-mails and then a phone call–that first phone call was (and still is to this day) so nerve-wracking for me.  In my head, if I can get through the phone call, I can get through the date, but essentially ‘cold-calling’ a strange man is just weird to me and it’s been my personal struggle.  Nonetheless, I did call him, it seemed to go well and we arranged to meet at a local coffee shop (where I would eventually meet multiple other men as well–they must know me there! Lovely!)

I was so nervous for this date. 28 years is a long time–I hadn’t been on a date since I was 23 years old! My bff in Boston actually had me skype her wearing the outfit I was going to wear so she could check it out first.  Approaching the coffee place, my heart was beating so loud I figured he could hear it! The date itself was fine–I honestly can’t remember anything really unusual about it.  He seemed like a nice enough man.  He did tell some story where he kept on calling the woman in it ‘fat’ and that was a little awkward, but pretty uneventful overall (as I would find out after a few more dates!)  We get to the end , he walks me to my car, shakes my hand and asks me if he could contact me to go to the movies or something.  I said sure and drive off….without telling him that my Match subscription was ending just a couple of days later and without that he had no way to contact me (I usually hide my number when I call men–you can never be too careful on a first contact, especially).  Did he try to reach me and I was already offsite?  I’ll probably never know, but it wasn’t the way to handle it but you really do learn as you go along.  I owe this one an apology.

One final footnote: A few weeks after this date, I discovered that my ex had remarried just a few days after I had my first date–obviously, ‘recovery’ comes faster to some than others…cough cough

Lessons learned:

1.  Don’t rush the process.  If you are not ready, don’t push it.  It’s really ok

2.  Don’t just disappear–I did it and it’s not cool.  You owe a date better than that

3.  If you can go out on a first date before your ex remarries–point for you!

I guess I have thought about doing a blog for some time but found countless ways to talk myself out of it–mostly because I was ‘scared’ to put myself so out there!  But you know what–this whole dating process scares the shit out of me and I do it anyway so why should this be any different?  I have always tried (and usually succeeded) to live my life doing things that scare me–from relocating  4x to getting married to having kids to getting divorced, doing a marathon etc…why should I stop now?

Back to the blog (I tend to wander as you will no doubt notice)–I believe there is something I can learn from each date and I hope that passing that along to you will also reinforce to me just what it is I learned.  Some dates taught me extensively and others, well, weren’t really memorable enough to teach me much!  Since I can’t even keep track of the amount of times I have been told that this process is just a ‘numbers’ game, I have decided that for privacy’s sake I will refer to each of my dates by their number in order of when we dated..the names are changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty, I guess)

Nearly every date listed here came as a result of online dating–I really dislike the process and it is counter-intuitive to how I would prefer to meet people (get to know them and then develop an attraction) but in this day and age it I consider it a necessary evil because random appropriate single men aren’t just knocking on my door (note to random appropriate single men:  I can give you my address if you want…lol)

It would make so much sense if I could just start at number ONE and go from there but since I am on number NINETEEN (sigh), it makes more sense to me to tell you about the most recent ones while I still remember them best (after all, I am 52 yo people) so it may get a little confusing until I catch up.  Don’t worry, I don’t go on that many dates (at least I didn’t think I did) so one of these days I will be caught up and it will make more sense.

NOTE:  I actually re-dated these posts so they are in correct order–the dates don’t really jive wth when they were written, but I was more concerned with the posts being in order so this is what works to get them that way–whew!

Anyway, hope you enjoy my journey and we both learn something from it!

Well it seemed like a good idea at the time……

Welcome to my first-ever blog post–yes, I guess this is a little like losing your virginity cause once you do it, you can’t undo it (although, frankly, it’s been so long for me that I consider myself re-virginized but that’s a story for another day!)  I woke up this morning and figured since this is the first day of the rest of my life maybe I should actually do something with it and in a fit of temporary insanity I set up this blog.  I’m not exactly sure what I hope to accomplish here other than share my (and maybe some of my friends) dating experiences and let you know that if you are single and dating in your 50’s, you are not alone!  So check in once in awhile for a chuckle (at my expense) and let’s see if we can make sense of this brave new world of dating the next time around!

**note of thanks to ‘Uncle Lou’–who K and I met in a bar at at football viewing party (I like football, K likes wine)–we told him of our search for good men and he told us to just keep smiling and it would happen.  He also made us both paper flowers made of bar napkins–apparently a popular party trick! So, Uncle Lou, my domain name justgottasmile.com was named while thinking of your comment so thank you! (Vix wanted me to call it DMFAO–dating my f**king ass off–can you believe it was taken?)