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Number 25…..this one kills me…   I think I met him when he expressed interest in me–he was nice looking, had a good job and lived in a nice area–what’s not to like?  I wrote back right away and he gave me his number and said he would wait for my call…despite my dislike for cold calling, I called him first chance I got.

The phone call went fine–not the exciting ‘can’t get a word in edgewise’ kind of way of some of my phone calls, but fine.  My biggest concern–not a bit of humor there..not even a little.  As I go through my dates, I am really trying to hone in on what I am looking for in the ‘one’ and I have determined that humor is essential..if you can’t make me laugh, I just don’t think it’s going to work.  Regardless, we made plans to meet at a local coffee shop (and, gee, I had only been there on one other date) and talk.

He actually looked very much like his pictures-very nice looking. This was promising!  We talked for about 1.5 hours–again, very comfortable but no real humor (or sparks, dammit).  I was determined to give this one a chance to grow, though, and we ended with saying we would try to see each other again…and unlike so many of my other dates–he actually texted me the next day and we met again that afternoon–this time for a beach walk.

This date also went fine–and fine is good–but not what you want in a relationship! After our walk, we went to a nearby coffee shop (that I had never been to-imagine that!) to hang out a bit more.  And it was fine.  Just fine. Not special. No sparks, no laughter. Just fine.  Unfortunately, I think I need more than fine–and Mr. 25 is just not the one to give it to me–regardless of how good he looked on paper (and, well, in person). Damn.

Lessons learned:

1.  Give someone a second chance if you think there’s at least some potential, but don’t give up what you are looking for if it’s just not there.

2.  How someone looks on paper means nothing in the long run–you are spending time with a person, not a resume.

3.  Some dates you just really want to work out. Damn

Here I am at number 24….sometimes this really feels like it could go on forever…I think we were a mutual like and I can’t even remember who contacted who first (but I think he contacted me).  We went back and forth for a few e-mails and then we decided to move to the phone..we had a really good conversation–very comfortable, very pleasant–once again, I let my hopes get up there before I even met the man but, hey, it happens!

We wanted to meet, but I was heading out for a 2 week vacation with my family so we decided to keep in touch over my trip and meet when I got back.  We ended up texting back and forth multiple times over the two weeks–I would update him on my travels and he would update me on his activities.  It wasn’t extensive, but it was nice to be in contact with someone who seemed to care about my trip/activities.   It felt very natural and comfortable.

By the end of my trip, we made plans to meet for brunch the weekend that I got back.  We spoke again upon my return home and it was going great until he told me about a certain personal issue he had that was something I was very uncomfortable with…but by this time it was really too late to cancel the date and I figured I would go and give it a chance anyway…it ended up being less of an issue than some other things!

We met at a local restaurant for brunch–it was casual and low key and quiet enough that we had a chance to really talk.  Our conversation was very comfortable and the date seemed to be going well…I was not, however, physically  attracted to him at all but…I tried to keep an open mind because we meshed very comfortably in other ways (note: he had just one picture on his profile and it was blurry, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect in person).  We finished brunch (after spending nearly 2 hours at the restaurant) and decided to go on to a local racetrack for the afternoon races.

Here is where I did make a mistake–since parking at the track is rather pricey, I agreed to leave my car behind and drive the short drive with him in his car so we were only paying parking for one.  This was only the second time I actually went in someone’s car on the first date (and, ironically, Mr IM was the only other time I did that and look how that one ended up!)  Upon reflection, that wasn’t a good idea–you should probably wait to get in someone’s car until you know them a bit better–this dating process is a learning experience for me too!

Walking to the car, he started to talk about his former girlfriend.  He had actually broken up more recently than I had and had been with her years longer than I had been with Mr IM and he was obviously not over her yet.   At one point he told me that she is the love of his life–not was, not I thought she was, just is–no past tense there!  It is a very strange feeling to be on a date and hear that the man you are trying to get to know is telling you his past girlfriend is the love of his life–anyone who feels like that has no business dating because they are obviously not open to a new relationship if they are still thinking of their past relationship in present-day terms!  I almost told him that I had not met the love of my life yet, for if I had–I would be with him and not dating!

We get to the track and had a good time (so I thought).  He was placing decent sized bets while I was placing ‘baby’ bets–well, I was winning nearly every race and he was not!  I could see he was getting a bit frustrated but he held it together. All in all, I though we had a pretty pleasant afternoon and finally at 4 pm he told me he’d have to leave at 5 pm to get ready for a work phone call at 6pm.  I had no problems there–we had already been together since 11 am so by 5pm it would be a 6-hour first date–my longest ever!

We headed back to my car and he keeps me for another 45 minutes in the parking lot talking about his ex-girlfriend–for a total date time of nearly 7 hours!  I had already decided that we really didn’t have a future given his feelings for his ex,  (regardless of how many times he told me it was over) but I had an generally nice time.

The next morning I get an e-mail from him telling me that while he had a nice time with me, he decided to pursue another relationship–which in my mind was his prior one given how he spoke of her to me.  I answered by saying that while I also enjoyed his company, I had not been attracted to him in a romantic way  but I would like to be friends if he was agreeable.   Imagine my surprise when he answered that while he would normally like that, at the moment his dance card was full!  That was a first:  rejected as a date and a friend–after the man kept me on a first date for 7 hours!!  The more I date, the less I understand this crazy process!

Lessons learned:

1.  Manage your expectations: no matter how good your communications are before you see each other–the actual date will make or break your future potential!

2.  Don’t go in a car with a man you just met–this is an easy rule to disregard for many reasons, but it really is the smart way to act with a stranger!

3.  Please please please: keep the talk about your ex to a minimum!  Your date really doesn’t want to hear how much you love someone else!  It tends to be a mood killer!

After I broke the ice with number 22, number 23 was a guy that I contacted on a whim and he actually wrote me back!  He was nice looking (a bit bald, but I have no issue with that when you are in your 50’s) and we seemed to have a lot in common (and he was a retired fireman–sorry, but firemen really do it for me and I loved this about him!)  After our initial note, he forwarded his number and I called him that evening and we ended up speaking for almost 1.5 hours!

Now, I do like to talk, but that was a long first phone call–even by my standards!  We just had multiple things in common, including the way we looked at things in life, and the conversation just flowed.  He told me how he had been on about 4 dates through this website: 3 of them looked nothing like their pictures (which, I assured him, I did) and he dated  the remaining (very good looking) one for a few weeks–even though she talked about getting married after 1 week and wanted to move into his house after the second–who does that?? I figured I would be refreshingly normal after those dates!  When we were done, he even texted me and asked me if I realized how long we had just spoken–it was so comfortable, the time just flew by!  We made arrangements to meet the next night at a nearby coffeehouse and I was excited to meet him cause this one had real potential (and that alone should have scared me….)

Since this was a Saturday night, I thought a coffeehouse was a great place to meet since it would be relatively quiet place and it would be easy to talk–not this time! When I got to the coffeehouse, it was packed and a live music set was just finishing up–we struggled to find an empty table and finally found one that was (unfortunately) very close to the band.  Since the band was going on break, it did give us about 30 minutes to speak and it seemed to be going ok–then the band started again…luckily, the band was good and it was enjoyable to listen to, but maybe not the best choice on a first date since conversation was so limited.  We tried to speak through the band, but it was almost like shouting so we gave up.

As the band was finishing up that set, he said he needed to get home so he could call his dad (who was in the hospital) to say goodnight–now it was about 9:30 pm on a Saturday–so it struck me a little weird why he didn’t just call from there but…..I really try not to read too much into things and just let it go.  He walked me to my car, gave me an awkward peck on the cheek and told me he would call me.  After all the time we spent leading up to that date, it seemed so rushed and forced. I drove away from this one very confused…

When I got home, I texted him thanks and asked why the date seemed to end so abruptly–he said he had a nice time, he liked me but he wasn’t attracted to me–ouch!  Now, my pictures were very new and I look very much like them so I really don’t know what he could have been expecting–this one hurt! As part of our initial phone conversation, we talked about looking for substance rather than pure beauty (when he told me about the woman trying to move in after 2 weeks) and since he already knew what I looked like (not tall, not blond etc), and we had so many things in common (both in our lives as well as our outlook), I was at least expecting a second date here..

In reality, I’ve had quite a few dates like this…major buildup (either through texting or phone calls) and then the date falls flat once we meet…This one did surprise me, though, because we really did seem to have a lot of core values and interests in common–not just playful banter like it was with some of my dates.  A friend of mine did tell me that (in her experience) firemen tend to have strong egos and high expectations–perhaps I just wasn’t what he was looking for…next!

Lesson learned:

1.  I’ve said this before:  high expectations and extended contact before a date doesn’t really mean ANYTHING, so keep your expectations in check.

2.  Before you go out for coffee on a weeknight, make sure the place you are going doesn’t have live music (which doesn’t make for good conversation)

3.  I still think firemen are awesome–just not sure I will be dating one….

When last I left you, I was nursing one hell of a heartbreak from my break-up with number 21…in trying to figure out what I could do to make this heartache go away, I tried to use logic:  what do you do when you are down?  You get back up!   In my grief-impaired state of mind, I took this to mean that I should go out on a date and break that ice once again–as quickly as possible!  After all, number 21 was already dating–why shouldn’t I?  Enter the now 4th dating website that I have used…here we go again!

Before I could go online to look, you have to set up a profile and submit a picture (or more).  My last profile was almost a novella–everything you ever wanted to know about me, who I am and what I was looking for…it was just perfect–except it wasn’t! Men (for the most part and I know there are some exceptions) want just the facts, Jack–short and sweet and to the point whereas mine meandered all over the place and took a long time to get to the point….I imagine most men got tired halfway through and stopped reading there.  Not the success I hoped it would be…so I decided to totally change it up this time around–my profile is a man’s dream come true: short, funny and to the point…and the response I have gotten is amazing!  So many men are writing–even some (who live too far away to date) just to tell me how much they like my profile!  It took me years, but I finally got it right–learn from my mistakes and do it right from the start!

Anyway, this new and improved profile led me to date number 22–I will be honest here: I really had very little attraction to him based on his pictures (nice enough, but no click) BUT…he said he was funny and at this stage of the game, I could use a good laugh so……I’m back on that damn horse!  Yippee…not.  We spoke on the phone (yet another phone call I am making to a stranger) and it went ok so we made arrangements to meet in 2 days.

We met at a Jamba Juice (that was a new one for me) cause he said he doesn’t drink coffee (and apparently he doesn’t drink Jamba Juice either since he didn’t have anything)  He was very pleasant and it wasn’t bad but his sense of humor was very corny–not really funny to me.  The low point was when he told me about a song that he wrote that made fun of a certain ethnic group (which just happened to be the ethnic group of my number 21) so you can imagine how well that went over with me.   I wouldn’t have liked it anyway, but it was just another thing that brought 21 back into my mind!

At the end, he wanted to see me again but I knew I wasn’t interested.  Again I told him I would e-mail him and let him know, and I did.  I had to pass–in reality, I just wasn’t ready anyway but I am now almost pickier than I was last go round–I know what is important to me and what is not so important: I want someone who can make me laugh and it’s just not him…..next?

Lessons Learned:

1.  You do have to get back on the horse eventually…but maybe not too soon.  After a heartbreak, you need time to heal:  if you are not ready for a relationship, it’s not fair to you or the one you are dating.

2.  I’m happy to know I am learning something as I go through this process:  think like a man when you write your profile:  short, funny and to the point works!

3.  Watch the ethnic jokes:  you never know what the other will think is funny and you run the risk of really offending someone

4.  Am I really starting all over again? sigh! (not a lesson, just an observation…)

Number 21…sigh!  Finally the date that showed me how dates could really be!  As I told you before, Mr IM did call this time and we decided to go to dinner at (wait for it!) a sushi restaurant!  (by this time I have figured out what to order there) Since I had already met and spoken to him for over 1 hour at the mixer, I figured that dinner would be ‘safe’ and not a repeat of the freak show antics of date number 7.   And it was comfortable…very comfortable!  He was handsome, charming and funny  (did I say handsome?) and everything just flowed so naturally.  I think it was the sake, but about 1 hour into the date I actually leaned in to kiss him first–only the second time in my life that I have ever done anything like that–no lie!    It just felt right!

After dinner, we took a walk on the beach…and kissed some more…and then we went to a  local dive bar, danced to a Led Zeppelin band (truly not easy to do) and kissed some more.  It really was a totally electric-charged night: the date I had been waiting for! One night in, and I was smitten–and I thought he was too…  We ended up spending 19 months together (which turned out to be some of the most difficult times in each of our lives due to circumstances) but I still would have said things were amazing between us–even with all of our challenges.  His family lived locally and I grew close to them and we even spoke of marriage on a regular basis–it was more a given, then a decision–we were just waiting for his financial situation to turn to move in that direction.

Well, as much as I hoped and prayed for a happy ending to my fairy tale story–it was not to be. A week after we hit 19 months, he broke up with me (truly out of the blue) with the excuse that he needed to dedicate himself to  straightening out his financial situation and didn’t want any distractions…so I guess the woman he is now seeing must not be a distraction like I apparently was.  I still miss him every day. It hurts like hell. He truly broke my heart.  Sigh..

The list of things I learned from this could go on forever, but I will try to keep it brief:

1.  While I have joked my way through this blog, in the end feelings and emotions are no laughing matter…If you are willing to put yourself out there, love can be an amazing experience.  You just have to be willing to understand that it can end at any time and when it does, it can be very painful.

2.  Love at 50 can hurt the same (or worse) than love at 20–we learn and grow as we age, but there is no real way of protecting your heart from heartbreak.  I guess you can’t enjoy the highs if you don’t leave yourself open for the lows..

3.  There ARE  happy endings in online dating–K is moving in with her man this weekend (after a 15 month relationship), Vix is happily dating her man for about 1.5 years now, I know 2 people who have married their matches and 2 more who are currently engaged.  It DOES happen.  You have to just keep going with one foot in front of the other, a smile on your face and an open heart.

4.  Give yourself time to heal after a serious breakup–I jumped back into dating in an effort to help me get over this heartache, but pulled back when I realized it was just too quick. (sorry dates #22 and 23…)   It may be a distraction, but if you are not yet whole, it’s not going to work out anyway (can you say rebound??)

5.  There is someone out there for me, too (that’s what they tell me!) –I just haven’t met him yet!

6.  Guess there’s life in this old blog yet….

When you have dated as many people as I have (gosh, that sounds way worse than I meant it to), I guess it’s not surprising you bump into them from time to time (even in a city as big as this)…like this week!

I was at dinner with my honey (I know, I need to explain but it’s coming) and I go up to the counter to get something and who is standing there but number 16–you know, my professional dater (at least he should be, based on my date with him).  He recognizes me but doesn’t remember my name (major point deduction here) and asks me how I am doing.  I tell him I’m fine and he asks where I am sitting and I point in the general direction, but my table is blocked by a wall so he doesn’t see my boyfriend sitting there–and he ends up sitting almost directly across from us!     Just a bit awkward!

The next day, I am at an information session for a group I am involved with and sitting in the back of the room is another man who looks so familiar.  As the presentation goes on, I am racking my brain trying to remember who he was and it finally comes to me (4o minutes later!)–he is a guy that Vix and I were talking to at the mixer where I met my honey!  I never made eye contact with him, so I’m pretty sure he didn’t recognize me but I couldn’t wait to get in the car to call Vix and let her know!

K also went on a date once and ended up sitting next to a group of men at the bar that included someone she dated twice–it didn’t help the awkwardness of the situation to have her date call these guys “tools’ because of how they were acting. No, she didn’t tell him she had gone out with one of those ‘tools’–she and the guy just silently acknowledged each other and she got home and sent him a text confirming how weird it was to see him under those circumstances but he didn’t even answer it…

Seeing a date out of context is kind of like being a kid and seeing your teacher in Target–you wonder what they are doing there like everyone else!  You tend to forget that all of these men have lives, jobs and interests outside of dating (well, at least you hope they do) and seeing them in the everyday world is just a bit strange!  This may be the best reason to never burn your bridges with your dates–or that one will be the one you bump into when you least expect it!

Well, it was bound to happen!  I have dipped a toe into the cougar pool with my Mr. Twenty (although, truth be told–he winked at me first!)  I’m not sure if his age actually makes me a full-on cougar (7 years younger than me) or just a cougar wanna be, but he is the youngest I have ever dated and it gave me pause…ok, it full-on freaks me out–at least a little!

As I said above, Mr. Twenty initiated contact with me–and as soon as I saw his age, I was tempted to just pass but then I read his profile (there I go again, actually reading the profiles–imagine that!) and thought we had a lot in common so I answered him.  He had no problem with the age difference, but I reserved judgement until we met–just to make sure I didn’t look like his mother or something when I was out with him!

We started out talking on the phone–it was very comfortable and we spoke for about 1 hour (a long time for a first phone call, but certainly not the longest I have ever spoken to a guy–have you picked up yet that I like to communicate?).  What was different, however, is how we then proceeded to text back and forth for another 1.5 hours…now, I like to text but 1.5 hours of texting is a lot of typing! Texting has become a very acceptable form of communication for people, but I’m not sure it’s the way to go when you are first getting to know each other because it’s such a ‘flat’ form of communication.  You don’t see facial expression or hear voice inflection when you text and I think it’s very easy to write something one way and have it be taken another–which happened with Mr. Twenty.

After our marathon texting session on the first day, we texted a bit the next day and then again the next day.  By the third day, he was questioning if I wanted to go out with him and I was still waiting to be asked!  He finally asks and we agree to lunch later in the week.  During this same text conversation (now we haven’t spoken since the very start, but have continued to text for 3 days) I said something that I thought was a joke and he jumped on it–I have no doubt if we were speaking, he would have realized it was a joke but texting doesn’t give that perspective so he took it seriously.  He almost cancelled our date, but we worked it out and went on with it.

I was a little apprehensive about the date, given how I felt he turned angry so quickly during the previous texting session but it went well and we had a very pleasant lunch.  I certainly didn’t look like his mother and could probably date someone around this age again–but only if I felt we had a significant amount in common.  He said he wanted to go out again and I probably would have..but we started texting again!

He contacted me the next day to ask me out for a drink but I already had plans–during this texting session, I again made a joke that he obviously didn’t get–now I have a very east coast sense of humor and he is from a very different part of the country and I think he just doesn’t get ‘me’.  When you add this to the fact that the joke was in text form, it’s just a recipe for misunderstanding…having to explain your jokes, especially in a text, is just not fun for me.  This time around, I want someone to know, love and ‘get’ me–and I just wasn’t seeing that possibility in this person.

I think he was a very nice person and I do think I will keep up with him as a friend but he has moved from my potential ‘love connection’ list–as I said last time, next!

Lessons learned:

1.  Age is a number–it may not be make or break until you actually meet and see how it feels in person.

2.  Beware texting–it is easy and fun to do but rife with the potential for misunderstanding–especially in the beginning stages of a relationship.

3.  If you really want to communicate with someone, use the phone once in awhile!

When I last left you, I was dreading going to this mixer…I just am not a cocktail party person.  I can do it when I have to (or when Vix makes me, that is) but it certainly is not my comfort zone and the way I would prefer to spend an evening.  And the potential for ‘discomfort’ lurked around every corner at this one–people I have rejected, people who rejected me and probably even worse–the chance for multiple ‘one and done’ dates being there!  My plan for the evening was to look as good as I could muster and keep my wits about me and a smile on my face…

Mission accomplished–yeah! I drove down with Vix and the combination of the drink she made me and her ‘just have fun’ attitude served to calm me by the time we got there.  Yes, there were people who I rejected (saw at least 2) and people who I ‘one and done’ dated (saw at least 1–#4-haven’t gotten to his story yet, but he was memorable, to say the least) and even Mr. IM (who came up to me to say hi-imagine that!)  I did not, unfortunately, see the gentleman (not my first word choice, mind you) who sent me that lovely rejection letter, though–so he obviously doesn’t look like his pictures!  And, thankfully, I didn’t see number seventeen–that would have been really difficult for me!

All in all, not the evening from hell I was expecting–Vix walked away with the number of one of the band members (age 41!!–growl and 4 paws up to you, Vix) and I walked away with Mr. IM (who would have thought that?)   Seeing number 4 was a little weird for me–it’s been around 8 months but I’m pretty sure he recognized me too since every time I saw him, he was looking in my direction.  I really meant to say something to him, but he was always speaking to someone when I was close enough to him to say something so it never worked out.  He was a nice man but just not for me.

So back to Mr. IM–he walked right up to me saying my name and I was completely caught off guard.  He’s very cute in person and we ended up talking together for at least an hour until the end.  He said he was still planning to call me–and that he expressed interest in me in the other site to show he was still interested…this, my friends, is the whole Venus and Mars thing in a nutshell.  What he did made perfect sense to him and absolutely no sense to me at all–when I really think about it, I wonder how any man and woman ever get together given how different we are!  Now,  he says he’s going to call me so we can go out  so we will have to see (wonder why I got a sense of deja vu?)

UPDATE:  Got the call this afternoon–and a date on Friday night!  Woo hoo! Guess now I owe Vix, instead of the other way around! Damn!

The gurus at Match have come up with a new way to meet–they sponsor meetings called “Stir” events where members get together in person to meet and mingle.  These events are compromised of bringing age-appropriate guests (in my case apparently mid 40’s +) together at a bar/restaurant (or other venue) and seeing what happens.  You need to rsvp in advance for them and they  seem to be pretty popular as they fill almost immediately.  Vix and I went to the first one they held  back in June, but I, unfortunately, had what I think was a gall bladder attack (coincidence or just feeling the pain of being single–hmmm??) and  I remember the 1 hour I could stand being there (as I am running in and out of the bathroom) in a total blur.  We can just say it was not my finest hour and keep it at that.

Well, being the glutton for punishment that I apparently am (and with the strong encouragement of Vix)–I am going to try again tonight–this time without the stomach pain, I hope.  I am breaking out the little black dress and my new fav shoes so I hope they work for me:

Love these shoes!!  What is it about shoes that just make you happy?

There is a special postscript to this story as well (isn’t there always?):  Match shows you a thumbnail size picture of just 10 of the men who will be attending to help lure you in, I guess. They put the number at approx 140 men last I saw–and the list of people I hope are not among them is sizable! Just in that group of 10, there is at least 1 guy who has contacted me twice (and I have turned down twice), Mr IM (who didn’t return my call last week) as well someone who I contacted who turned me down.  (and there are still 130 others not listed! Now I know why my gallbladder wasn’t feeling the love last time) Now, I have certainly both given and received my share of rejection on this site, but this particular man’s ‘rejection’ letter stands as the cruelest I have ever received….this is directly copied from his letter–no editorial license taken at all:

Hello.  Nice profile. Thank you for your interest but I am just not feeling that we’d be a Match for dating or other purposes. I wish you well.

Match for dating OR other purposes? What OTHER purposes?  What is that supposed to mean?   I don’t want to be your friend? We will never hang out together? I wouldn’t have sex with you if you laid down on the floor and begged?   I have to say, I was so offended by this note, I would have preferred that he hadn’t answered at all.  If  recognize him at this event (not a sure thing given how different some people look in real life), I can’t really promise that I won’t be asking him to define ‘other purposes’–stay tuned, my friends—am I the only one who thinks this could be the cocktail party from Hell? Update tomorrow!

Since I told you of stepping out of my comfort zone and literally ‘reaching out’ to a guy I was interested it, I guess I need to give you the follow up results…..

After getting Mr. IMs number, I said I would call him the next day and we settled for 4ish.  At about 4:15, I muster up the courage to make yet another ‘cold call’ to a stranger (although once you do enough of these, it does get somewhat easier–I imagine I’ve done close to 50 by now).  He answers and has a nice voice and nice energy–this could be ok.  It turns out he is at a pretty popular local restaurant/bar with his daughter so we talk for a few minutes (went great, I thought) but there is obviously a lot going on and he asks if he could call me back later that evening.  I had a commitment, but said I would be back around 8:30-9 pm and he could call after that. He said no problem, he would text first to make sure it was ok and I looked forward to speaking to him again. 3 days later and I am still waiting….wish I could say this wasn’t typical, but in my experience (and that of all of my friends) it is.

Interesting follow-up on this one though:  Match has a companion site that is not as well known called Chemistry.com and there is a lot of people who are on both. I was on Chemistry for a short time a few months ago but even when you drop off, they still keep your profile up. This means you can continually get interest from people who think you are active, which Chemistry (in turn) sends to you to ‘lure’ you back to their site to rejoin–“Mr. X is interested in YOU! He sent you an E-MAIL! Join today to read it!” Well, I fell for this recently (like I’m the only one who would like to meet a cute orthopedic surgeon who is interested in me–don’t judge!) and rejoined for just a month to read this stupid e-mail from the above-mentioned doctor (who ended up e-mailing me twice telling me he is interested but too busy right now but he would be in touch soon–after he goes through his list of other ladies he is interested in, I suppose)  Anyway, they sucked me in for another month but I’m not the only one–K did the same thing once–you are so ever-hopeful to find the ‘one’ that you don’t want to miss that opportunity cause this could be IT!

So what does any of this have to do with Mr IM? Without realizing it, (while waiting for the doctor to get back to me) I had expressed interest in him through his profile on this site (you can formally state you have an ‘interest’ in someone and your ‘interest’ will be sent to them so they can see if they feel the same) and yesterday, 2 days after he actually spoke to me on the phone and didn’t call me back–he expresses interest in me!  Confused yet?  I sure am!

If you are going to really give dating a valid try, you have to get out of your comfort zone–period!  I find myself (on a regular basis, mind you) doing things that I look back on and can’t believe I even did–like last night…

On the dating site I am on (big secret–I’ve mentioned it already, I guess–Match) you can do something called winking.  If you ‘wink’ at a person, it is merely to get their attention because you are too lazy, too scared or not literate enough to actually put words together and write them a message. It is almost a throw-away–I get a lot of winks where you respond and you never hear back from the person again so who knows what they were thinking when they sent it.  In the real world, I’m pretty sure if someone actually winked at me, I would laugh in my drink cause I’m assuming I’m at a bar when this happens–not just because of who I hang out with (Vix and K), but because it seems like the only setting where someone would be foolish enough to think that would be appropriate.

Anyway, I use to only write to guys–crafting thoughtful, articulate, funny letters based on specific things in their profiles (yes, I actually read them all the way through–so many don’t!) that I was sure made me look so witty and charming  how could they not answer me immediately before someone else on the site snapped me up??   Then I woke up. The percentage of people who answer your letters is so pitifully small (If I was better at math, I would calculate how minute a percentage it is mathematically but since I’m better expressing myself through words, I will give you an approximation in words: hardly any)  So now, I join the ranks of the lazy and give a cheesy wink if I have any interest and my response rates are probably still the same with much less work.

Recently I winked at this cute guy with an interesting profile and he had looked at me a few times but had not done anything ….. When I went on last night, he had just looked at me again and he was still online (you can tell on site–it is a little stalker-ish though) so……I used the 3rd means of communication you have on Match and I IMed him. (this site has turned me into one aggressive dater–ugh!).  Lo and behold, he responded, we online chatted for a few minutes and he gave me his number and asked me to call him (things are a little backward on Match–most guys have the women call them so the women have a little ‘control’ over the situation–like the ability to hide their number if they want to)  So I am calling him today at 4ish to see if he ends up my number 20 (gosh, it sounds so official now) Number 20 will be my first date since I actually started writing this blog–versus the writing in my head I have been doing since the beginning..wonder if it will make the date feel different? (Will the tape recorder on the table top be too obvious?)

Just a note here–he happened to mention that he had been to a restaurant/bar not too far from me recently  and asked me if I had ever been there–well, I was there on a Sat night about 2-3 weeks ago with Vix and K… and Vix did everything short of dancing on top of the bar that night while K and I hid our heads (laughing hysterically) and got stuck talking with the lesbian (we think) girl who just kept telling us how cool our friend was! So no, I’ve never been to that bar.

Mr Nineteen had a bit of an ego, I think (based on his profile and the first phone call)…but I needed a date like this for my own ego purposes but…… ultimately it was just too much!  Our contact started on a Sunday when he asked me to call him—we had a very short, uneventful and fairly boring conversation where he just talked about himself and how he was going to buy a condo in cash (note to men:  DON’T do this–the women who respond to it are not the women you want to be with!).  Anyway, after thinking about it, I was going to text him the next day and cancel and before I could, he called me to apologize.  Apparently he was watching football with a buddy and drinking and he really didn’t even remember some of our conversation (men:  don’t call/take a call if you were drinking–first contact deserves full attention) and wanted to finish talking to me.  I actually felt better after that phone call and we made plans to meet on Fri at a very nice bar for drinks.

I took out my killer little black dress for this one–it’s simple, but I think it looks great and it makes me feel like I look great!  Well, I should have taken it down a notch for this one because I think I overwhelmed him–our drinks hadn’t even arrived yet and he was asking me for the next date..over and over! Did I want dinner? Where? A USC football game? A Chargers game? Anywhere I wanted to go (perhaps I should have said home??)  And yes, I appreciate being told you like the way I look but hearing how hot I am every 5 min just negates it (men:  give one compliment and make it genuine and then STOP)  And smooth he was not…one exchange:  Him: You’re really 52? You don’t have any wrinkles…well, just a few!   OMG  What do I say to that?  He went to the bathroom and I was texting my friend K “help me…”

He wanted to go to dinner after our drinks but I had absolutely no interest in extending this evening so I made up an excuse that I needed to get home for my daughter. He insisted on walking me to my car, at which time he took my hand to lead me out of the bar and held my hand while we were walking-I guess I need to get better about not doing things I don’t want to do! (one of my lessons, I guess!) While waiting for the elevator, he asked for a kiss on the cheek–figuring what could it hurt, I did it. Then  he asked for another on his lips (and while you think I would have stopped there–idiot me figured a peck wouldn’t hurt) and he open-lip kissed me–blech!! All I could think about on the way home was washing out my lips with bleach!  I still get queasy thinking about it!

Within the first hour home, I sent him an e-mail telling him I wasn’t interested in a second date and (surprisingly) got a very nice response thanking me for the date and telling me he understood.  Hopefully his Saturday, Sunday or Monday date (made sure I knew all the women he had lined up )after me go better for him

Lessons learned:

1. If someone doesn’t pay attention on the first phone call, it’s not a good sign!

2. Save your hot dress for someone who deserves it! As a companion to this, it is actually possible to have someone tell you that you are hot too many times (who knew?)

3.  Don’t let anyone invade your personal space (unless you want them to–wait until number seventeen lol)

Mr Eighteen was a pleasant date–perfectly nice but not exciting by any means–and he has a boat (sadly, I’m not easily impressed so it didn’t carry the weight with me that it might with some other ladies)  We met at a very nice wine bar I had wanted to try and we talked about his sailing adventures and his yacht club–light, breezy conversation but nothing of consequence.  I think his shortcoming (aside from his fairly small stature) was coming after number SEVENTEEN  because it would take a lot to get my attention after that date!

We left it that he would call me and I would come down to his yacht club and spend the day on his boat (did I mention he has a boat??)  I’m still waiting….lol

Lesson learned:

1.  I really need someone who is taller than 5′ 7–even though I am only 5′ 3 (sorry, like my high shoes too much!)

2.  I could really care less if you have a boat–things don’t really impress me (sorry!)

Waiting and hoping is a hard thing to do when you’ve already been waiting and hoping for almost as long as you can bear it.”
― Jenny Nimmo, Charlie Bone and the Time Twister

I may not be as patient a person as I think I am.  I mean, I really try to be a patient person but when I really want something, it’s very difficult for me to wait for it. Waiting for Mr. Seventeen to contact me back was excruciating..Wed, Thurs, Fri and no phone call..by Sunday I was just feeling terrible and I didn’t know what to do..so I called my intuitive (see above, I live in California–it’s not considered crazy here!).

So what is an intuitive?  It’s someone who reads and works with people’s energy/auras, kind of like a holistic healer–she does not consider herself a psychic and she doesn’t predict the future, per se.  Anyway, I had gone to her once before about 6 month earlier and felt much better afterward so I felt like it might help. I guess I was just grasping at straws cause I was still trying to process how an amazing night could just end like that. I made an appointment for the next Wednesday and tried to be patient.

If you read line 1, you will see I may not be a patient person.  By Monday, I had to write to him to at least see where his head was at–and I was willing to accept whatever answer I got to at least get an answer.  (I am one of those crazy people that would rather just be told the truth than live in indecision land holding on to my hopes) I wrote the most heartfelt, raw letter I ever wrote just telling him how I felt and asking him not to just walk away because there was the potential for someone getting hurt.  (note to reader: I mentioned he was a widower, well he also had a relationship since being widowed that also hurt him so he was twice bitten, I guess)  I read that letter over about 50 times and I hit send  at 5 pm (cause I didn’t want to interrupt his work day) and held my breath…until I turned blue cause it took 12 hours to get a response…(you can just imagine how much I slept that night!)

The bottom line–he was being genuine the first night, he doesn’t know why he pulled back but regardless, he is not interested in a serious relationship at this time…(guess that could have mentioned that in his profile–that states he is wanting a ‘special relationship’  or it could have come up at some point during that night but no…) Poof!   24 hours of amazing was all I could achieve with my sweet seventeen.   Sending the letter at least got me an answer, not the answer I wanted–but I was no longer holding my breath waiting to hear from him.  Almost all of my friends told me not to send it and give him time but I needed to do it and I’m so glad I did–from his letter to me,  I got the sense he had already compartmentalized me and I’m not sure I would have ever heard from him again and, as I said, the not knowing was the hardest part–I’d rather know a hard truth than hold on to false hope.

Luckily for me, that Tuesday I was hosting 14 friends for dinner and bunco so I really didn’t have time to dwell on it.   I had a lot to do and, with the help of many friends (and an awesome sangria recipe I made–take that, Vix!) I had a very fun night and a pretty decent sleep for the first time in 1 week.  By Wednesday I was just sad at the loss of potential but I headed to my intuitive (Mi for short) anyway just to see what she had to say.

Now, you can believe or not believe–it really doesn’t matter to me.  For me personally, I think there is so much out there that we just have no conception of and I do believe there are people who are more in tune with this other world–and I think there are many, many more who prey on people’s hopes and they create a bad name for the rest of them.  That being said, you can believe or not but I am open to the experience and I wanted to hear what Mi had to say.

I walked in and explained that when I had called on Sunday, I was feeling very unsettled about a recent relationship but in the interim, things had clarified and it was no longer an open issue–and she looked at me and said “Is this about the e-mail?” and I quickly said no and then I realized that yes, it certainly was (again, believe or don’t–doesn’t really matter to me)  I explained the situation of how everything was so amazing one day and the next it wasn’t and her words to me were chilling but made perfect sense–she said he went home after the date and started to feel like he was cheating on his (long-dead, mind you) wife because he was feeling something for me that he hadn’t felt in awhile and it freaked him out and he just closed the door on me.   I’ve since done some research (hey, I may not be technically proficient but I can google with the best of them) and I read that widows and widowers sometimes struggle with finding new love because they still love their dead spouse and there’s a struggle on how to move on with the living while still respecting their feelings for the  dead.

It’s hard enough to compete with an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend who is still in the picture, but what do you do with a dead soulmate wife–sadly, absolutely nothing.  This is something he will choose to work out (or not, as the case may be) and I have no part in this process.  It’s ironic, though, because I actually was not bothered/threatened by her place in his life because I thought it spoke volumes about his character and his ability to maintain a commitment to someone. In my mind, she deserves a place in his heart always–I just thought that maybe there would be some left over for me too 🙁

As a postscript to this, Mi thinks he will tire of meaningless dates and reconnect with me in the future–after I am already seeing someone else.  It’s kind of like being starving and then being shown a lobster and a steak and being told  that one day soon you can have both–just not yet…as I said, I am working very hard to be patient but it’s not easy!

Let’s see…we left off yesterday with the best date of my 50+ dating life–so there was really only 2 ways this could go–the start of something with tremendous potential or the other way…guess you know where I am heading here!

After saying he wanted to see me the next day, Mr. Seventeen and I made plans to meet at a beach for a sunset.  We spoke briefly that day, and agreed to meet late in the afternoon.  I took a page from my friend Vix’s playbook and decided to bring a small picnic-style dinner–all purchased from Trader Joes (the man I really should try to date).  I made caprese on skewers w/ balsamic dressing, and Trader Joe made the rest: tabouli, olive tapanade/pita chips, marcona almonds and strawberries.  For dessert, dark chocolate mint cups (who doesn’t like dark chocolate??)  (Brief disclaimer here–if Vix did this dinner, she would have made all this food herself and served it in real dishes with real napkins–Vix did not make this dinner, ok?)

We sat on the beach and watched the sunset, ate and talked but I could already feel something was different…it took awhile but it all came tumbling out:   What happened the night before apparently freaked him out and he wasn’t sure how to handle it and needed time.  So, in the f**king irony that is my life, I finally meet someone who I like, that likes me and it ends up  he may like me too much so it’s a problem.

No make out session this time–we left with the understanding he would take some time to think about things and get back to me…I, romantic fool that I now realize I am, really just thought he would take a couple of days to think about it, realize we really had potential, and come back to me….well, I’m still waiting… 🙁

Lessons learned:

1.  Just because you think someone is perfect for you, you may not be perfect for them…

2.  Timing is everything

3.  Even the good guys don’t follow through on their promises

4.  I really miss kissing (and other things)